April 12, 2009

 

"I will never hide from the truth again"

Rosemarie Salvatore

 

 

 

     

The Cost of Courage

Catherineís Letter to Vincent during "Terrible Savior"

 

 

Dear Vincent,

As you lead me back to the threshold tonight, in stoic silence, my mind raced with so many things I wanted to say to you. But I couldnít find the words to voice any of them. I know I hurt you terribly with my doubts, and I guess I was afraid that anything else I said would only hurt you more deeply.

But I lay in bed just now trying to sleep and I knew I had to tell youÖsomehowÖ

Since meeting you, Vincent, Iíve learned a whole new definition of courage. Itís not always what one might think. Itís not at all the black and white, Hollywood-style courage that we see in the movies; or even the everyday courage of a fireman rushing into a burning building to save a life. For some of us, it can be much more of an internal thing Ė something invisible to the outside world.

I thought I was doing the right thing tonight, Vincent. I really did. I thought about it for a long time, I talked to people Ė people whose stories bore a striking resemblance to things Iíve seen you do Ė and then I decided that, yes, I wanted to know if you were, in fact, the Subway Slasher. It was the hardest thing Iíve ever done Ė and believe me, after the past year, thatís saying a lot.

There was a time, not so long ago, when I wouldnít have wanted to know. When I would have pushed the thought from my mind and gone shopping just to make sure it didnít come back.

As soon as I decided, I came to you. When you didnít answer my tapping, I only became more determined to look you in the eye. There has always been a quality of honesty between us that is so rare in my world. I cherish that. And, I was also confused, because here Above, avoidance often means guilt. But still I wanted to know.

I realized that I want to know everything about you.

Just a few weeks ago, I was stunned to realize that Elliot Burch wasnít the knight in shinning armor I thought he was. I was angry at myself for not having seen that sooner, and that may have played a part in my doubts. I was furious, too, that I had EVER compared him favorably with you.

The ironic thing, Vincent, is that if you had been the Slasher, I think I would have understood! With my own attack still so fresh in my mind, I donít know if I could have condemned you in the same way I condemned Elliot.

Iíve seen you with children; Iíve seen you with older folks. I know that youíve saved me from so many horrible fates in just the short time weíve know each other. I know you to be only good and kind and strong. I know these things. But, still, I doubted. In my zeal for the truth, I hurt you Ė much worse than I ever imagined I could! Iím so very sorry for that! But what Iím not at all sorry for, Vincent, is this strange new me.

Know that you have played a big part in this new Catherine! A part that you should be proud of Ė that I hope you will be proud of - when you calm down a bit. You have been such an inspiration to me in finding my strength and getting my life back. I looked at my life through your eyes and saw, for the first time, how sickeningly weak I had been. Because of you, I will never hide from the truth again. Itís like your healing presence has washed away the weakness in me and Iíve awaken to find a person that I didnít know existed before. I mean Ė me - bold and confrontational? I can hardly believe it myself!

And, now that I know you arenít involved, the excitement I feel for this new job is returning! I look forward to tackling the case with new eyes, and hopefully, will be able to find out whatís really going on.

So, please - please donít hold tonight against me. I have learned a priceless lessonÖmaybe justÖ learned it a bit too well for my own good!

I promise you, with all that I am; I will make it up to you, if you will only give me the chance.

 

Sincerely,

Catherine

 

 


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