"I will never hide from the
The Cost of Courage
Catherineís Letter to
Vincent during "Terrible Savior"
As you lead me back to the threshold
tonight, in stoic silence, my mind raced with so many things I
wanted to say to you. But I couldnít find the words to voice any
of them. I know I hurt you terribly with my doubts, and I guess I
was afraid that anything else I said would only hurt you more
But I lay in bed just now trying to sleep
and I knew I had to tell youÖsomehowÖ
Since meeting you, Vincent, Iíve learned
a whole new definition of courage. Itís not always what one might
think. Itís not at all the black and white, Hollywood-style
courage that we see in the movies; or even the everyday courage of
a fireman rushing into a burning building to save a life. For some
of us, it can be much more of an internal thing Ė something
invisible to the outside world.
I thought I was doing the right thing
tonight, Vincent. I really did. I thought about it for a long
time, I talked to people Ė people whose stories bore a striking
resemblance to things Iíve seen you do Ė and then I decided that,
yes, I wanted to know if you were, in fact, the Subway
Slasher. It was the hardest thing Iíve ever done Ė and believe me,
after the past year, thatís saying a lot.
There was a time, not so long ago, when I
wouldnít have wanted to know. When I would have pushed the
thought from my mind and gone shopping just to make sure it didnít
As soon as I decided, I came to you. When
you didnít answer my tapping, I only became more determined to
look you in the eye. There has always been a quality of honesty
between us that is so rare in my world. I cherish that. And, I was
also confused, because here Above, avoidance often means guilt.
But still I wanted to know.
I realized that I want to know
everything about you.
Just a few weeks ago, I was stunned to
realize that Elliot Burch wasnít the knight in shinning armor I
thought he was. I was angry at myself for not having seen that
sooner, and that may have played a part in my doubts. I was
furious, too, that I had EVER compared him favorably with you.
The ironic thing, Vincent, is that if you
had been the Slasher, I think I would have understood! With my own
attack still so fresh in my mind, I donít know if I could have
condemned you in the same way I condemned Elliot.
Iíve seen you with children; Iíve seen
you with older folks. I know that youíve saved me from so many
horrible fates in just the short time weíve know each other. I
know you to be only good and kind and strong. I know these
things. But, still, I doubted. In my zeal for the truth, I
hurt you Ė much worse than I ever imagined I could! Iím so very
sorry for that! But what Iím not at all sorry for, Vincent, is
this strange new me.
Know that you have played a big part in
this new Catherine! A part that you should be proud of Ė that I
hope you will be proud of - when you calm down a bit. You have
been such an inspiration to me in finding my strength and getting
my life back. I looked at my life through your eyes and saw, for
the first time, how sickeningly weak I had been. Because of you, I
will never hide from the truth again. Itís like your healing
presence has washed away the weakness in me and Iíve awaken to
find a person that I didnít know existed before. I mean Ė me -
bold and confrontational? I can hardly believe it myself!
And, now that I know you arenít involved,
the excitement I feel for this new job is returning! I look
forward to tackling the case with new eyes, and hopefully, will be
able to find out whatís really going on.
So, please - please donít hold
tonight against me. I have learned a priceless lessonÖmaybe justÖ
learned it a bit too well for my own good!
I promise you, with all that I am; I will
make it up to you, if you will only give me the chance.