A TIME FOR TEARS

By Katrina Relf


So short a time ago, Catherine, you were here with me, in my Chamber – trying to reassure me, trying to dispel my doubts, my fears. Yet still the memory of that moment when Michael held you, kissed you, haunts me.

I envied him and all that he could offer you. You have so much to give. Your world is full of possibilities, whilst mine is filled with limitations. When we are alone there are always boundaries that cannot be crossed, for, once broken, what emotions would surface?

What we share is more than I ever thought possible, and yet there are still chasms we are unable to cross.

My heart cries out for you, Catherine, my arms are empty when you’re not here. I long to open my heart to you – to speak words never spoken – and yet, if I release the hold I have upon my feelings, what else will be unleashed? It is always there – between us – its dark shadow sharing my life. Michael has no such shadows.

He needed your comfort, your reassurance, and yet I was unwilling to share your love, your compassion with him. My unwillingness violates everything that I believe in. What does that say about me, Catherine? What does that say about me? I betrayed you, and I betrayed Michael.

Tears were shed in my Chamber today. You held me close and you comforted me. Why couldn’t I let you do the same for him?

Maybe one day, when I remember the words that passed between us today, I will truly know just how blessed I am. How undeserving of the love that is mine, and I will be willing to share that love with others. Until then, Catherine, please forgive my doubts, my fears. Please forgive me for loving you, for needing you – so much.

An Excerpt from Vincent’s Journal