Beauty and the Beast:

Unbreakable

By Barbara Handshy Anderson

Section Two

(Story Index)

 Moment of Truth

The next day Jake went to see his father. Vincent was a little surprised to see him. Jake usually came on the weekends.

“Is something wrong, Jacob?” Vincent asked.

Jake replied, “No, Dad. Nothing’s wrong, but I want to talk to you about my friend Becka.”

Vincent nodded.

Jake continued, “I want to bring her to the tunnels. I want to introduce her to you.”

Vincent was a little worried about the prospect, but he wasn’t surprised. He had observed Jacob over the last few years as his friendship with Rebecka had grown into something more.

Vincent was supportive. “How do you want to do it, Jacob? You can’t just spring me on her.”

Jake nodded and said, “I know. I was thinking I would show her some of my favorite places. Then I would show her our chamber and the painting of you and my mother. If she isn’t too overwhelmed at that point, then I would want her to meet you and some of the others. Would this Saturday be all right?”

Vincent nodded in agreement and said, “That would be fine, Jacob.”

They talked for a while longer and as Jake rose to leave, Vincent said, “I’m glad you’ve found someone … someone special. I’ll let the others know that you will be bringing a guest when you come.”

By Friday Jake was a nervous wreck. Luckily medical school took up so much of his time. Otherwise he might have thought about it too much and chickened out.       

When Jake arrived at Becka’s apartment at 4 am on Saturday morning, Becka was ready to go. Jake took her to the Central Park tunnel entrance. The park was eerily quiet at that time in the morning.

Becka remarked in a hushed voice, “I’ve never been to the park at this time of the day before. It’s kind of spooky.”

Jake smiled and nodded. He squeezed her hand and said, “You’ll be fine, Becks. You’re with me.”

As he led her to the tunnel entrance she became nervous. “Jake, what’s going on? Where are we going?” She was not eager to enter.

Jake turned to her and asked, “Do you trust me, Becka?”

“Of course I do,” Becka answered. “But just to clarify … are you sure you’re not a werewolf or an ax murderer?”

Jake smiled and said, “One hundred percent sure. But, Becks, if you want to go back right now, I’ll take you.”

Becka shook her head and said, “No, I don’t want to go back. I trust you, Jake.”

Jake took her into the entrance. He looked around to make sure they were alone. When he was satisfied that they were, he handed her a flashlight, opened the secret door and they stepped through the gate. He turned and closed the sliding door. He turned to Becka and asked, “Still okay?”

Becka nodded.

Closing the door behind him, Jake said, “Before we go any farther, I need to talk to you.”

Becka nodded again.

Jake began, “Becka, where I am taking you today is a secret place. It isn’t just my secret. It’s critically important that it be kept a secret from everyone you know, even your parents. People’s lives depend on it. Do you understand what I mean, Becka?”

Becka began to nod and then she shook her head. “Not really, Jake. I’m not sure what’s happening.”

Jake reached for her hand and they began to walk.

Jake said, “This is where I grew up, Becka. Where I’m taking you today is the community where I spent my entire childhood.”

Becka was quiet. She was still a little nervous, but she trusted Jake. As they went deeper into the tunnels she became more and more amazed by what she was seeing. Jake took her to the mirror pool, and to the places where he and his childhood friends had played hide and seek and the games of his childhood. From time to time Becka could hear the sound of children laughing or music coming from a distant tunnel. She was fascinated by the Chamber of Whispering Winds.

Late in the morning they arrived at the Chamber of the Falls. Vincent had arranged for a basket of food to be left there for them. When Jake saw it there with a note from his father, he laughed.

Up until that moment Becka had been so astounded by what she had seen that she had been very quiet. Jake’s laughter had somehow broken the spell.

“What’s so funny?” she asked.

Jake just smiled as he looked at the note and said, “It’s from my dad. He says he hopes we are having a nice day.”

Becka looked at Jake a little askance and asked, “You have a father?”

Jake answered simply, “Yes, I do. Doesn’t everyone?”

Becka said, “But, Jake, you’ve never spoken about him … or any of this … I could never have imagined anything … any place like this … even existed. When you said you wanted to tell me your secrets, I never dreamed …”

Jake was intrigued and asked, “What did you imagine? What did you think the secret was?”

Becka was a little embarrassed to say, but she answered, “I thought you were going to tell me that you were gay.” She smiled sheepishly.

Jake was taken aback and then he laughed out loud and shook his head. “No,” he said, “that is not my secret. I’m definitely not gay.” He chuckled again.

She looked around and shook her head and asked, “Jake, this is all so amazing. Why don’t people know about this place?”

Jake gently took hold of her arm and said, “Becka, you can never tell anyone about this place. People’s lives depend on this place being a secret. Do you understand? I’m not only trusting you with my secrets today, I’m trusting you with the lives of all those who live here, people that I love. The other day you said that sometimes it seems like I didn’t grow up in the same world that you did. You’re right, I didn’t. I grew up here. In this world people treat each other with love and gentle kindness. They accept each other. It’s not like up there. There is no place for hatred or violence here. Many of the people who live here have spirits that are too gentle, too fragile to survive in that world above. If the world up there knew about this one, they would exploit it and destroy it. Then where would these people go? They would be destroyed too. Do you understand what I’m saying, Becka?”

Becka was moved by the passion in Jake’s voice and the amazing beauty she was seeing around her. She looked into Jake’s eyes and said, “I think I understand. Jake, I promise you, I won’t betray your trust. I promise.”

Jake was silent. Becka came closer and slipped her arms around Jake’s waist. With their faces almost nose to nose, she looked into his eyes again and whispered, “I PROMISE, Jake.”

They stood in a close embrace for a moment before they sat and enjoyed their picnic lunch. They sat there for hours while Jake patiently answered all of Becka’s questions and told her about his life in the tunnels and the people who lived there.

When Becka finally stopped asking questions, Jake asked, “Are you ready to see more?”

As they packed up the basket, Becka asked, “How much more is there?”

Jake was thoughtful and said, “I actually don’t know. I’m not sure anyone knows. My father probably knows more about the tunnels than anyone. He and I used to have great adventures when I was a kid. Deep in the tunnels there is a crystal cavern"[1] that would take your breath away. It’s too far for us to go there today though.”

As they talked and walked, Jake steered them toward the main living areas of the tunnels. When they crossed paths with any of the people who lived there Jake would introduce Becka to them. A few of the children were excited to see Jake. Finally they arrived at Vincent’s personal chamber.

“This is the chamber that I grew up in. My dad and I shared it. Now he’s got it all to himself again,” Jake said.

“What about your mother?” Where is she?”  Becka asked.

Jake answered, “She’s dead.”

“Oh, Jake! I’m so sorry! I’m such and idiot!” was Becka’s immediate response.

Jake reached out to her and said, “Hey, Becks, it’s okay. You couldn’t have known that. Anyway, she died when I was born. I don’t have any memory of her … really.”

“What do you mean, ‘really’?” Becka asked.

Jake thought for a moment about how to explain it. “When I was little and I would have bad dreams, she would come and sing to me.”

Becka wasn’t sure exactly what he meant. She asked, “Do you mean you dreamed about her singing to you? Or do you mean her … ghost would come and sing to you?”

He nodded, “Her ghost … her spirit … I used to call her ‘my angel’. I’m not the only one who has seen her though. Once in a while other people have caught a glimpse of her here in the tunnels.”

Becka was quiet.

Are you okay, Becka?” Jake asked.

Becka responded slowly, “I think so. I’m just processing it. Is that one of your secrets?”

Jake said, “Actually no, not really a secret. I just don’t talk about it because it’s kind of personal.”

Becka began looking around the room at the eclectic collection of books and things that had accumulated over Vincent’s lifetime. She smiled and looked up at Jake. “It’s kind of like a museum in here. I love it. It must have been a wonderful place for a child to grow up. Did your father read all of these books to you?”

Jake nodded and smiled as he recalled his childhood. “Yes, I can still hear his voice when I read these stories. He made them all come to life for me. The way he reads … it’s like …magic.”

As Becka made her way around the room, she came to a large object that looked like a canvas. It was covered by a large cloth. Becka’s curiosity got the better of her. As she reached to pull the cloth away she hesitated to see if Jake would stop her. He didn’t. As she pulled away the cover, what she saw took her breath away. It was a portrait of Vincent and Catherine, painted a lifetime ago.[2]

Becka exclaimed, “Oh, Jake! This is magnificent! Why is it covered up? It should be hanging in a gallery somewhere, so people can enjoy it!”

Jake was a little nervous to continue. Here it was, the moment of truth. He took a deep breath and tried to speak with a steady voice. “It belongs to my father. It’s very personal to him. It’s the only picture he has of my mother and him together.”   

Becka was so enchanted by the painting that she was only half listening to Jake. She replied in a reverent tone. “This is your mother? Oh, Jake, she was beautiful. I think you look a little bit like her.” Then pointing to Vincent she asked, “But who is this supposed to be?”

Jake came close to her and spoke softly as he said, “This is my father, Becka.”

Becka turned to face him and asked, “You mean it’s a conceptualized, fantasy version of your father?”

Jake met her eyes and shook his head. “No, Becka this is my father. This is what he looks like. He’s older now of course, but this is him.”

Becka squinted in disbelief and backed away from Jake a little. “Jake … are you kidding? Is this a joke?”

Jake could feel his stomach doing flips. He shook his head again. “No … it’s not a joke, Becka. I’m totally serious.” He turned toward the entrance of the chamber and said, “It’s okay, Dad. You can come in.”

A reply came from a hooded figure in the doorway. “Are you sure, Jake? I don’t want to frighten her.”

Jake turned to Becka. He could see that her eyes were very wide and she looked quite pale. He asked, “Becka, it’s up to you. Would you like to meet my father? We can leave right now if you want to. I’ll do whatever you want.”

Becka stared at Jake. Then she looked over to Vincent. She could see him beginning to retreat from the chamber entrance. Then she summoned her courage and turning to Jake said, “He can come in, Jake. I do want to meet him.”

Jake then turned to his father and said, “It’s all right, Dad. You can come in.”

Vincent walked in and slowly removed his cloak. He stood across the room from Jake and Becka. He was sure that he was as nervous as Jake was about the encounter. He looked as frightened as Becka did.

Vincent was like any parent. He wanted his son to have a full and happy life. Vincent had always feared that by having him for a father, that it might prevent Jake from fulfilling that wish. So here they were, at a critical moment in all of their lives, standing across from each other. The air felt charged. The room was completely silent. It felt as if the direction of all of their lives hinged on what happened in these next few moments.

Finally Becka slowly approached Vincent. When she reached the other side of the chamber, she looked into Vincent’s eyes. Her eyes filled with tears. Other than that her expression was hard to read. She thrust out her right hand and said, “I’m Rebecka Maxwell. People call me Becka or Becks. It’s nice to meet you, Sir.”

It took a few seconds for Vincent to respond. As they clasped hands it felt like everyone exhaled at the same time. Vincent said, “It’s nice to meet you too, Rebecka. Jake has told me a lot about you.”

Becka just smiled and looked at Jake. Jake took that as a signal and he came to Becka’s side and asked, “Are you okay, Becks?”

Becka was honest as she answered, “I’m not really sure yet. When you said you wanted to share your secrets, Jake … I never imagined …” Turning to Vincent she asked, “Mr. Vincent, can I ask you something?”

Vincent nodded, “You can ask me anything, Rebecka.”

A mischievous look crossed her face almost imperceptibly. “Anything?”  she asked.

He nodded again.

Her look then became very serious and she asked, “Vanilla or chocolate?”[3]

That was definitely not the question Vincent was expecting. At first he didn’t know how to respond and then he began to laugh and said, “Vanilla”.

Becka laughed too. She nodded and said, “Like father, like son. Jake said the same thing. He has your eyes, Mr. Vincent.”

Vincent answered, “You can call me Vincent. No one calls me ‘Mr’.”

“What’s your first name?” Becka asked.

Feeling much more at ease, Vincent said, “That is my first name. I was abandoned as a baby. Someone found me and brought me here. I’ve never really had a need for a last name.”

Becka nodded in understanding.

Then Vincent asked, “This is all probably a little overwhelming. Do you have any more questions?” I’ll answer them if I can.”

Becka said, “Overwhelming is a good way to describe this whole day.” She suddenly felt very tired.

Jake then asked, “Do you want me to take you home, Becka? It’s getting kind of late anyway.”

Becka nodded. “I am pretty tired. That’s probably a good idea.” Then, turning to Vincent she asked, “Vincent, is it all right if I come back another time and ask those questions?”

Vincent said, “You’re welcome to come back here any time, Rebecka.”

She held out her hand again and said, “It was wonderful meeting you, Sir.”

Vincent smiled a little and took her hand and said, “It was wonderful meeting you too.”

As Jake and Becka made their way back to the world above, they were both very quiet. As they came close to the Central Park exit, Jake stopped. He turned to Becka as if he were going to say something and then he hesitated. He wanted to ask her, but he was afraid to.

Becka gave him a quizzical look and finally said, “What?”

At length Jake asked, “Was that … too big? … of a secret? … for you?”

Becka was quiet. She didn’t want to hurt him, so she spoke carefully. “I’m not sure, Jake. It might take me a little while to process all of it.”

Jake nodded. He looked so vulnerable. Just looking at him was breaking her heart. She reached for his hand and quietly asked, “Hey, is my hair on fire?”

Jake smiled a little and said, “No.”

She quietly said, “Well, I guess that’s a good sign anyway.”

She squeezed his hand, came a little closer and said, “Thank you, Jake.”

Jake asked, “What for?”

“For trusting me with … all of that,” she said. “I won’t betray your trust, Jake. I promise.”

They went the rest of the way to Becka’s apartment in silence.

The Dark Before the Dawn

Jake decided it would be best to give Becka some space. He told himself that he didn’t want to pressure her in any way. The truth was that he was afraid he had lost her. As long as she didn’t specifically say that for sure, he was able to hold out a spark of hope. But by the end of two weeks, his hope was wearing thin. Over that time he had had time to think about his relationship with her. He had finally admitted to himself that Becka was more than just a friend. He loved her. Each day that she didn’t call or come to his apartment his heart broke a little more. When the ache became too much for him, Jake headed for the place where he knew he could find solace. He went home to the tunnels.

Vincent discovered Jake sitting in his favorite corner of their chamber curled up with one of their old books.

“Jacob?’ Vincent asked. “I didn’t realize you were here. Do you want to be left alone?”

“No, Dad. Come on in,” Jake answered.

“What are you reading?” Vincent asked.

“The Count of Monte Cristo,” Jake replied.

Vincent nodded knowingly and said, “Oh, I see.”

Jake asked, “What is that supposed to mean?”

Vincent explained, “When you were a little boy I could always tell the size of your problem by the size of the book you retreated into. That’s a pretty big book you’ve got there. Do you want to talk about it?”

Jake held the book in front of him as if it had betrayed him somehow. “Huh … Dad, you have got to be the smartest person I have ever known. I never even knew that I did that.”

Vincent sat there quietly, patiently waiting.

Jake collapsed back into his chair. His expression was one of discouragement. “I’m in love with her, Dad.”

Vincent nodded and asked, “Rebecka? Is that the problem? You have loved her for a long time. It was never a problem before.”

Jake looked at his father with shock and surprise. “How did you know that? I just figured it out myself!”

Vincent laughed. “You just said I was the smartest person you’ve ever known. I’m still not clear about what the problem is.”

Jake put his head in his hands and said, “I think I’ve lost her, Dad. She hasn’t called or come over for two weeks. Not since the day I brought her here.”

“Did she tell you it’s over? What did she say?” Vincent asked.

Jake said, “I asked her if my secrets were too big for her. She said she wasn’t sure. That she wanted some time to think about it. I haven’t heard from her since.”

Vincent then asked, “Have you tried to speak with her? Did she refuse to see you?”

Jake shook his head, “No and no. I don’t want to put any pressure on her. I don’t want to push.” Jake sighed. “The truth is, that as long as I haven’t heard her actually say it’s over, I can still hold out a little hope…. But I’m starting to lose hope. I feel like I’m dying, Dad. It hurts so much I can’t breathe.”

Vincent sighed heavily and said, “I am familiar with those feelings. I thought Rebecka handled it very well. She might surprise you. If it is over, Jacob, I’m sorry.”

Jake asked, “What are you sorry for? It isn’t your fault.”

Vincent explained, “I have always worried that by having me for your father, it might hold you back from having the happiness, the love that you deserve.”

Jake shook his head, “That isn’t true, Dad. All you have ever done is love me. You have given me so much more than anyone I know. My life has been amazing, because I have you for my father. If she can’t handle it, then I guess it just wasn’t meant to be.”

Vincent nodded, “That is probably true. But it doesn’t make it hurt any less, does it?”

Jake laughed a little, “No, it doesn’t.”

Vincent walked him back to the tunnel entrance. They parted with an embrace and Vincent said, “Don’t give up on Rebecka just yet, Jacob. I had a good feeling about her.”

“Thanks, Dad for listening … and for everything. I love you,” Jake said.

“I love you too, Jacob,” Vincent replied.

As he watched his son go, he said a silent prayer. He could feel old echoes of the pain of losing a love.

As he returned below he recalled a long ago conversation he had with Father ….

“If only there was some way in which I could keep both of you safe, to shield you both from harm, from pain,” Father had said.

“From life?” Vincent responded.

Father said, “Because I love you, Vincent. I love both of you.”

Vincent had learned a hard lesson. “Even love can wound, Father. The grave is a fine, safe place. But if we live, we bleed,” was his reply.[4]

During the night Vincent woke up, and in the dim light of his room he thought he could see Catherine sitting in the chair across from his bed. He shook his head and blinked his eyes. When he looked again, she was gone.

Sunshine

Jake had found comfort in the tunnels. He appreciated the relationship he had with his father. His father always managed to help him to put things into perspective when life in the world above became too much for him. Whenever he heard his friends complaining about their parents' failings, Jake was so grateful that God, or fate, or whatever it was, had given such a father as Vincent to him. As far as Jake was concerned, there never was a luckier boy than he had been.

Jake returned to his apartment feeling that whatever happened with Becka, he would have the strength to face it. His heart was still heavy, but he recognized that it was out of his control.

He fell into a restless sleep. In his dreams, his greatest fears came to the surface. He dreamed that his secrets had been revealed to the world and that he and his father were caught and caged as freaks. Mocked and ridiculed by those he had once thought to be his friends. As he looked around at all of the faces of his tormenters he recognized the face of someone that had haunted his childhood dreams. As a child he had only referred to him as “the bad man”. He didn’t know who it was, but as a child he had been terrified in his dreams by the evil face of this man. And without fail, whenever he had that dream, she had always come … tonight was no different.

Jake cried out. He woke up in a cold sweat. There she was, standing in the corner of his moonlit room; his “angel”. He hadn’t seen her for years. He was mesmerized as he listened to her sing the old familiar lullaby … Sleep, my little one. Rest now, my little one. Close your eyes, the day is nearly done. Rest your head, tomorrow will surely come.

It had been so long since Jake had seen his angel that he had begun to think that she had just been a figment of his childhood imagination. A manifestation of a child’s wish to have a mother. As he watched her standing there he whispered, “Mother?”

At that moment he thought he heard someone pounding on his apartment door. He looked at his clock. It was 3:30 in the morning. When he looked back to his angel, she was gone.

                                                            ****

Cici woke in the morning with a mild headache. But there were children to teach and things that needed to be done, so she attempted to ignore it. But as the day wore on the ache in her head got steadily worse, until noon when the pain became so intense she was forced to retire to her bed. As the pain medicine began to work, Cici finally found relief when she fell asleep. As Cici slept she found herself standing somewhere the tunnels. Everything was dark but looking around she realized she was in Vincent’s chamber. As her eyes adjusted to the darkness, she saw that he was there, sleeping in his bed. She sat in the chair near his bed and just watched him softly breathing. Usually if she saw him in her dreams he was awake and as soon as he discovered her the dream would end. But with Vincent peacefully sleeping, she could come closer. He looked older, but his face was as gentle as it ever had been. Will I ever stop loving him? she wondered.

As she sat there she heard a baby crying. It sounded like her baby she had heard years ago in her dreams. She hadn’t heard her own baby crying in her dreams for several years. As she looked over to Vincent, she saw he was staring at her. Immediately she found herself standing in an unfamiliar room. There in a room, lit only by the moon she saw her child on the bed crying out. Before her eyes the infant changed into a grown man. He sounded as if his heart was breaking. Then he cried out in fear, and she began to sing the old lullaby that she had sung to him in her dreams many times before. She stood there watching him after she stopped singing and he whispered, “Mother?”

Suddenly someone began pounding on a door and Cici woke up.

                                                            ****

Jake stumbled from his bedroom. As he approached the door he mumbled, “This better be good. Do you have any idea what time it is?” When he looked through the peephole and saw who it was, he opened the door as fast as he could.

They stood there just staring at each other. Finally Becka said, “Dude, it’s 3 o’clock in the morning. Are you just going to let me stand out here in the hall, or are you going to invite me in?”

Jake immediately opened the door wider and let her in. They still stood in awkward silence until Becka said, “I see you were telling me the truth.”

Jake was unclear about what she meant. He squinted his eyes and shook his head.

Becka nodded and pointed at him and said, “Nice boxers…”

Suddenly Jake realized he was standing there in his underwear and he jerked frantically and covered his front with his hands before running out of the room. Then he ran back and yelled, “DON’T …. GO ANYWHERE!!”

He searched around until he found his pants and came back a little out of breath.

He was not sure how to stand without looking incredibly uncomfortable. His heart was beating out of his chest. He was wondering to himself how he was supposed to stand when the woman he loves was about to tell him she never wants to see him again. How could he brace himself when he was about to have his heart broken?

Becka finally spoke. “No,” was all she said.

Jake nodded. He looked a little crestfallen and then he looked a little confused. He asked, “Wait … No? ... I’m not sure … ‘No’ what?”

Becka said, “It’s the answer … to your question.”

Jake was still confused. He repeated, “… to my question?”

Becka looked a little impatient. “No offense, Jake, but you’re kind of stupid first thing in the morning.”

Jake observed sarcastically, “Uuhm … may I point out that it is not ‘morning’, Becka. It’s the middle of the night. Morning is generally accompanied by little rays of sunlight.”

A little exasperated, Becka said, “It’s the answer to your question, Jake. You asked me if your secrets were too big for me. The answer is No.”

Jake nodded again. “Oh …. It’s No?” He was still trying to understand what she was saying.

Becka then blurted out, “I’m in love with you, Jake Vincent. Is that going to be a problem?”

As Becka’s words began to sink in, Jake could see that Becka looked as terrible as he felt. As he looked even closer he could see that she had tears in her eyes. Jake began to shake his head. He stepped closer to her and wiped away one of her tears with his thumb and whispered, “No, Becka, that won’t be a problem at all.” He leaned forward so that his forehead was pressed against hers. His eyes were closed, but tears were rolling down his cheeks.

Becka was not sure what to do. She put her hands on his waist. “Jake? What’s wrong?”

Jake answered, “I thought I’d lost you, Becka. I love you too.” He pulled her close, wrapped his arms around her and held her like he was afraid to let her go. Then he said, “Tell me you are not a dream. I will be so upset if this is just a dream.”

“Why would you think I was a dream?” Becka asked.

Jake replied, “I was having this terrible dream. I must have cried out in my sleep. When I woke up she was standing there. I haven’t seen her in years. And then you were knocking on the door. I wasn’t really clear on just when the dream ended and when I woke up.”

Becka asked, “You’re babbling a little, Jake. Who was standing there?”

Jake said, “My angel, my mother. And then you were here. Just tell me this is real.”

Becka smiled, “I promise. I am real. It’s not a dream, Jake.” She ran her hand through his hair and laughed softly. She kissed him and asked, “Does that seem real?”

Jake shook his head and said mischievously, “I don’t know, maybe we should do that again, just to be sure,” as he kissed her back.

Becka laughed again and said, “You are adorable with bed head by the way.”

Jake looked at her, smiling enigmatically.

“What?” Becka asked.

“I guess you were right. It is morning after all,” Jake said.

Becka wasn’t sure what he meant. She looked out the window and said, “But it’s still dark, Jake.”

Still looking at her, Jake said, “You brought it with you, Becka. You’re the ray of sunlight.”

Becka chuckled and began singing softly, “You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are gray…”

Jake laughed and sang along, “You’ll never know dear how much I love you…”

And together they finished, “Please don’t take my sunshine away.”

A Chance Meeting?

April 10, 2014

Cici was shocked to see so many people in the waiting room. She hated crowds and this one really worried her. Operation Smile only came to Chiang Mai, Thailand once a year. She was amazed at how many people, how many children, were desperately hoping for the surgery that would change their lives. Plastic surgery for cleft lip and cleft palate might not be considered “lifesaving” surgery for many. But in this culture a deformity like a cleft palate or a cleft lip ensures a bleak and hopeless future for those afflicted with it.

Cici had come with Candy from the orphanage, in hopes that her English skills and possibly just by being an American she could help Candy get the surgery she so desperately needed. They had come to Chiang Mai the night before. There were more people than Candy had ever seen before. For Candy it was the adventure of a lifetime and incredibly frightening at the same time.

Candy had no memory of anything but the orphanage. She was abandoned there by her young mother shortly after her birth. She was terrified of strangers. The few encounters she had had with strangers in her short 5 years had taught her to fear them. She knew she was different. She was shunned and sometimes tormented even by the other children in the orphanage.  Most of the adults at the orphanage shunned her as well. Cici was different though. Cici always treated Candy with gentle kindness. She spoke to Candy softly as she would wipe away her tears and tell her that she was beautiful. Cici was a safe shelter for Candy in the storm of her young life. She couldn’t have loved a mother any more that she loved Cici.

A wave of fear enveloped them both as they entered the hospital waiting area. Cici reassuringly squeezed Candy’s hand and kissed her cheek as she said a silent prayer, just in case someone in the universe was listening.

It wasn’t long before she spotted him. A young fresh faced American doctor making his way toward them. He was tall, with broad shoulders and unkept dark blonde hair. He was methodically and carefully examining each child. A stern efficient nurse was translating and taking notes by his side. When he reached them, Cici could see that he had clear, piercing blue eyes. Eyes that looked oddly familiar.

He looked puzzled as he offered his hand and introduced himself, “I’m Doc Jake. Are you American? Do you speak English?”

She took his hand and replied, “Yes, I am American. I’m Cici.”

As they shook hands a shock ran through them both. They squinted at each other and simultaneously asked, “Do I know you?”

They both laughed for a moment and agreed that they couldn’t possibly know each other.

“Are you sure you’re a doctor?” Cici asked. “You don’t look old enough to be a doctor.” She was clearly skeptical.

Doc Jake smiled warmly. “You’re right. Actually I am a 4^th year med student, but don’t worry, I won’t be doing the surgery. They call me Doc Jake here. You can just call me Jake”

As he spoke Cici spotted a crystal hanging by a chain around his neck and a long buried memory unexpectedly washed over her[5]. She shook her head to banish the thoughts rushing forward. Stay in the present, Cici, she thought to herself, You need to make sure Candy gets the surgery she needs.

Jake was asking her questions.

“I’m sorry. Could you repeat the question?” Cici asked

“What’s your relationship to this child?  Are her parents with you?” Jake asked.

Cici readily answered, “This is Candy. She doesn’t have parents. She’s an orphan. I’m her guardian. She lives at the orphanage where I work. Does it matter? Can she still have the surgery?”

“Don’t worry Cici. I’m sure it won’t be a problem.” Jake wasn’t actually sure.

“Why are you the one who came with her? Don’t take this wrong, but you kind of stand out in the crowd,” he continued.

“Candy is very attached to me. She wouldn’t be comfortable traveling away from the orphanage with anyone else.” 

Jake then turned his attention to Candy. He spoke gently to her, but she was obviously terrified as he tried to remove the scarf covering her face to have a look. Candy shrank back from him and began to cry. She was clinging so tightly to Cici’s neck that Cici could barely breathe. Cici softly whispered something in Candy’s ear that Jake couldn’t understand. Candy immediately relaxed and the examination continued.

“What did you say to her to calm her down?” Jake asked.

Cici said, “I just told her that you are our friend and that you’re going to fix her face.”

“You shouldn’t have told her that. We don’t take everyone. What if we have to turn her away?” Jake was obviously concerned.

“I don’t believe you will,” Cici stubbornly replied. “But if you do, I hope you are willing to tell her yourself. Candy has been rejected by pretty much everyone, except for me, since the day she was born. She’s a tough little kid, but I don’t want to be the one to tell her if she can’t have this surgery.” Then Cici smiled and said, “Don’t worry, Doc Jake, I have a good feeling about it. Candy won’t be turned away.”

Cici was right, they were not turned away. Something about Candy (as well as Cici) tugged at Jake’s heart. Doc Jake couldn’t shake the feeling that he knew the woman from somewhere….

Angels After Midnight

April 12, 2014   1:00 am

Candy’s surgery went well. But she was small and the hospital was a frightening place for a 5 year old girl, especially at night in the dark. As her pain meds began to wear off, she woke up frightened and disoriented. When she cried out, Cici was close at hand. Crying in Cici’s arms, Candy found comfort from Cici’s soft reassuring whispers. Softly Cici began to sing to her … Sleep my pretty one. Rest now my pretty one. Close your eyes the day is nearly done. Rest your head, tomorrow will surely come …[6]                    

                                                            ****

The graveyard shift was quiet. It was a perfect opportunity for Doc Jake to take the time to wrap up some unfinished paper work. From somewhere in the ward he thought he heard the strains of a half forgotten lullaby. He went to investigate. He was sure he had only ever heard that tune in his childhood dreams. Following the strains of music, he discovered Cici at Candy’s bedside softly singing and stroking the little girl’s hair. Doc Jake froze in his tracks. In the subdued light of the darkened room He was almost convinced that he was looking at … his angel? The angel that had watched over him since his earliest memories … He shook his head vigorously…that was impossible!

As Cici looked up she saw Doc Jake watching them. “I’m sorry, Dr., did my singing disturb you?” Then noting the strange look on his face she asked, “Are you okay? You look like you’ve just seen a ghost. Is my singing that bad?”

“I’m fine. It’s fine,” Jake said, shaking his head and coming back to himself. “Is she having trouble sleeping?” he asked.

“I think her pain medication has worn off. She’s frightened in a strange place,” Cici replied.

Looking at Candy’s chart he said, “I think we can take care of that.” Doc Jake went and found a nurse and soon Candy was resting comfortably.

Cici found a couch outside of Candy’s room. She wanted to stay close in case her little charge needed her.

As Doc Jake finished his paperwork, he came down the hall toward Cici. He was intrigued by her. Not in a romantic way of course. After all she was probably old enough to be his mother. But he was curious and he felt oddly drawn to her.

“Do you mind if I keep you company?” he asked her.

“I don’t want to keep you from your work or anything,” Cici said.

“Oh …uh … no. I’m finished with my paperwork and my shift doesn’t end until 5 am,” Jake answered.

She motioned for him to sit down.

“So tell me, Cici, how long have you worked at the orphanage?” he asked.

“Oh, I don’t know - twenty, twenty five years. I’ve kind of lost track.” Cici didn’t really like talking about herself.

“What made you choose this as your life’s work?” Doc Jake asked.

When he saw a shadow cross Cici’s face he immediately apologized. “Hey, I’m sorry. Sometimes I’m a little too nosy.”

“No. No. It’s fine. It’s just that I’m not really used to talking about myself,” she replied.

She continued, “When I was younger, I found myself aimlessly wandering the world. I guess I was searching for something.” Cici was vague about her history. She didn’t want to come any closer to the truth than that for several reasons. But as she spoke, she told Doc Jake about how she had discovered Thanit and Noi at the bus shelter all those years ago and how it had given her aimless life a purpose.

“How can people be that cruel, to just abandon their own family like that? Who could just throw away helpless children?” He just couldn’t understand.

Cici tried to explain. “The Thai people are very kind and gentle-hearted people.”

“How can you say that, after what you just told me?” Doc Jake interrupted.

“They are complicated, Jake, just like everyone else in the world. As I was saying … the Thai people are very kind, gentle-hearted people. But they are also very superstitious. Many Thai people believe that if a child is orphaned, like the children who live at our home, it must be because in a past life they did something terribly wrong. As a result of that “wrong” they are being punished in this life. If a Thai person were to interfere with that punishment, by giving these children a home, then they might bring that very punishment, that bad luck, upon themselves and their own family. It’s a risk that most Thai people will never take. As a result most of the children who come to our home never find a family. A few lucky ones are adopted by foreigners. But for children like Candy, it’s not likely that she will ever be adopted. Many grow up and become prostitutes or beggars and then their children end up in a home like ours, or worse. We try to educate them enough to find jobs as housekeepers or nannies, taxi drivers, sewing ladies … anything that might help them stop the cycle.”

Jake asked, “How can you stand it? To see such suffering and hopelessness every day?”

Cici patiently replied, “You see suffering, Jake. These children have never known anything different. Even in their poverty, they manage to find a reason to smile, to laugh. And they have such beautiful smiles. I see the joy they find in the simplest things. Things most of us take for granted. I sometimes wonder if there isn’t some priceless treasure to be found even in suffering?”

“Oh man. That sounds like something my father would say,” Jake said.

Cici smiled and laughed softly. “He sounds like a wise man.”

Jake laughed a little too. Raising his eyebrows a little he wryly said, “The older I get the smarter my father becomes, to borrow from Twain.”

Cici continued, “Jake? Do you think you can ever really know how blessed you are if you have never suffered? How many of us never truly value the ‘treasures’ in our own lives before we’ve lost them forever?” She had a wistful, faraway look in her eyes. “I’ve learned the hard way, Jake, to cherish the moments and the gifts I am given, however small. You never know when they will all be gone. And when they are gone, all you can do is treasure the bitter sweetness of the memories and keep reminding yourself that even the darkest nights eventually end. Sooner or later the sun will rise again. I still believe that.”

Jake could see tears glistening in her eyes as she spoke. But she didn’t let them fall. He could sense that this woman must have experienced her own “dark night.” He asked, “What do you do until then, Cici? What do you do until the darkness ends?”

Smiling softly, Catherine answered almost in a whisper, “You light a candle, Jake. You light a candle, and hold on tight to the shattered pieces your dreams.” 

 Jake then quoted,

“In the world's broad field of battle,
 In the bivouac of Life,

Be not like dumb, driven cattle!
Be a hero in the strife![7]”

Clearly impressed Cici responded, “Hmmmmm, LONGFELLOW. I am impressed. They teach that in medical school these days?”

Jake laughed and shook his head. “No, that’s my father’s influence. He’s always loved to read poetry to me. I guess I loved it too.”

Catherine became quiet then, lost in a swirl of old emotions and distant memories. She took a deep breath as a long forgotten memory flashed in her mind. She could see Vincent’s face as he said, “You are remarkable[8].”

….Jake was quiet for a moment too and then he said, “What you do … you are remarkable.”

At that, Cici shook her head and came to herself again. She thought for a second that she was looking at Vincent, and then Jake’s face came into focus.

“Are you okay, Cici?” Jake asked.

She smiled and said, “I guess I’m more tired than I thought. Just then, you reminded me of someone I used to know a very long time ago. Your eyes are very like his. He had a big heart like yours too.”

Jake blushed a little. “That’s funny, a little while ago you reminded me of someone too.”

“Really? Who?” Cici asked.

Jake was reluctant to answer. “Uh… if I tell you, you’ll laugh.”

“Cross my heart, Jake. I won’t laugh,” she promised.

Then Jake confided, “When I was a little boy, I had an angel. She would come to me when I had bad dreams and she would sing to me.”

“Why would I laugh at that? It’s very sweet.” She winked and smiled. “I don’t think I’ve ever been anyone’s angel before.”

Jake shook his head and said, “Oh, I think there is a little girl in the next room that would disagree with you.”

Cici was embarrassed and felt herself blushing.

“Hey, Cici, I know this is a weird thing to ask, but would you mind if I gave you something?” Jake asked.

Cici was a little surprised, “What?”

Jake removed a chain that was around his neck. Hanging from it was a beautiful, clear crystal. He held it out to her.

Cici was speechless. Then she said, “Oh … hey … Jake, that looks like a keepsake. I don’t think …” She shook her head and pushed back a memory of another crystal that was a gift long ago.

Jake interrupted her, “It is.” He nodded. “It belonged to my mother. When my Dad gave it to me, he said that someday I would meet someone that reminded me of her, and that when I did, I should give it to her.”

Cici was a little taken aback. She didn’t want to hurt him, so she tried to explain gently. “Listen … Doc Jake … I think your Father probably meant someone more …. Uh … your age … I’m old … and you don’t even know me. That is something that should probably stay in your family.”

“I know that,” Jake agreed, nodding. “But I think if my Father met you, he would agree with me. I really feel like I need to give it to you.”

Cici could see that Jake was not going to change his mind so she thought of a compromise. She pulled a chain from around her neck with a carved mother of pearl rose hanging from it and held it out to him. “How about a trade?”

Jake was reluctant. “Hey, that looks like a keepsake too.”

Cici shook her head. “No, not really. I found it in a little shop several years ago. At the time it reminded me of … people that have blessed my life that are gone now.”

“Are you sure?” he asked.

Cici nodded, “Positive.” And then they sealed the deal.

“Thank you, Jake. I’ll treasure it.” She was sure he had no idea how much she would treasure it. It looked exactly like the crystal Vincent had given her all those years ago. She had lost it. As she put it on she felt a spark of something deep inside. Something she had thought was gone forever … almost unconsciously she grasped the crystal in her hand. She could hear the echo of Vincent’s voice saying, “It reminds me of a piece of eternity[9].”

Just then a nurse came toward them from down the hall. “Excuse me, Doctor Vincent? I’m sorry to interrupt, but I need your signature on this paperwork before your shift ends.”

Jake was surprised as he looked at his watch. “Oh my gosh! Look how long we’ve been talking.” Turning to Cici, he said, “You better try to get a little sleep before Candy wakes up.”

Cici felt a shock run through her. The name “Vincent” had caught her attention. As the nurse walked away she asked, “I’m confused. That nurse called you Doctor Vincent. I thought you were Doctor Jake?”

“Oh … yeah ... Sorry for the confusion. Let me formally introduce myself.” Jake straightened up, extended his right hand and said, “Jacob Chandler Vincent at your service.” At this he made a mock flourish with his hand and bowed slightly. “They just call me Doc Jake. I guess it’s kind of stuck.”

The blood had drained from Cici’s face. She drew in her breath and thought, it couldn’t possibly be…. It has to be a fluke… What are the chances that someone could be named …?

“Are you okay, Cici?” Jake asked.

Trying to regain her composure she managed a shaky smile and said, “That sounds like an auspicious name. Does it have any special significance?”

“Yes, I suppose it does.” Jake continued, “I’m named Jacob for my grandfather, Chandler for my mother and Vincent for my father.”

Cici tried hard to maintain her composure, but her heart felt like it was pounding out of her chest. Still thinking it must be a coincidence she remarked as casually as she could manage, “Chandler, for your mother? That doesn’t really sound much like a woman’s name?”

Jake laughed. “You are very astute. My father didn’t think that Catherine would suit me very well, so he used my mother’s maiden name.”

His mother’s name was Catherine Chandler!?!? Cici started to sway a little. Jake reached out and stabilized her. He said, “Hey, Cici, I think you really need to get some rest. Candy is going to need you to have your strength to take her home today. You seem a little wobbly.”

Cici managed a weak smile and put her hand to her head. “I guess I am more tired than I thought. You have a point there.”

Jake guided her over to the couch and said, “I think I will try to get some sleep too. I have another shift in four hours. I’ll try to get back here to check on Candy when I get back, okay?”

Cici nodded in a haze. Her body was exhausted, but her mind was spinning in every direction. As Jake walked away Cici lay there staring at the ceiling in disbelief. She held both hands tightly to her head as if to control the thoughts and emotions that were colliding within. This can’t be happening, she thought. Could it really be him? What are the chances, in a world of 7 billion people that my son would be here? It can’t possibly be him. What about the crystal? It looks just like the one I lost, the one Vincent gave to me. And he has Vincent’s eyes. Does he realize? I don’t think so. What would he do if he knew who I really am? He couldn’t possibly understand. He can’t find out. It would cause him so much pain  ...

Despite her agitation Cici was so exhausted that she fell into a fitful sleep. It was anything but restful. Soon she found herself in the tunnels in Vincent’s old chamber. She was pacing back and forth. This was the first time in 25 years that Cici did NOT want her dreams to bring her here. She tried to wake up, but she couldn’t. She moved to leave Vincent’s room, but as she was nearing the entry way….

                                                            ****

Vincent was having trouble occupying his mind. He was always restless when Jacob was on one of his medical trips. He didn’t like being so far apart from the people he loved, especially his son. Jacob would be home in a few days and Vincent could hardly wait. He knew he should let Jacob have the space he needed to make his way in the world. But he liked to be near enough to help if he should need him. For some reason this trip was harder than normal. For the last couple of days Vincent had been having feelings he didn’t understand. Odd moments when it felt as if an electric shock was running through him, and then it would pass.

Tonight as he walked alone through the tunnels he suddenly felt it even stronger. His head began to spin and he had to reach out for the tunnel wall to get his balance. He felt panic and fear and intense pain in his head all at the same time. He made his way back to his chamber so he could lie down and as he entered the room, to his shock, he came face to face with …. CATHERINE … or rather… Catherine’s ghost….

In the past Vincent had only seen her for brief moments before she would disappear. This time was different. They both froze as they stared at each other. She put her hands to her head as if she was in pain and slowly shook her head as she slowly backed away. She was saying something but he couldn’t hear her. It looked like she was saying, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry….” Over and over. She finally backed up enough that she just disappeared into the chamber wall.

Vincent stood there frozen for several seconds. He felt very tired and managed to sit down. What had he just seen? What did it mean? Why was Catherine sorry? Was something wrong with Jacob? When Vincent had regained his composure he sought out Father. He needed to talk to him to bring his emotions under control.

                                                              ****

…. Cici woke up with a shocking start as if she was coming up out of the water gasping for breath. Her heart was racing and her head was pounding. She was still holding her head and trying to control the pain of a splitting headache and the feeling of panic that had overcome her. She was used to having a tight hold on her emotions. This feeling of losing control was frightening to her. She grabbed her backpack and went to take a shower.

Cici stood in the shower for a long time. The cool water was refreshing and helped her calm down. She decided that she needed to get away from the hospital as soon as she could. She had to put distance between herself and Jake. And she needed to do it before she did or said something that would betray her secret.

It was still early in the morning and the hospital was quiet. While Candy slept, Cici tried to sort out her thoughts by writing in the journal she always carried with her.

April 12, 2014

Dearest Vincent,

27 years ago today. Twenty seven years since you came into my life and changed me forever. How oddly appropriate that on this day, of all days, I would meet our son, Jacob Chandler Vincent. He is more beautiful than I ever could have imagined. What a wonderful job you have done, Vincent, in raising him. He has your amazing, gentle eyes and he has your heart. He is a good man, so much like you.

I was shaken and afraid when I realized just who he was. How I wanted to throw my arms around him and tell him how much I love him, have always loved him, and how proud I am of the man he has become. But as always, I know that he can never, never know who I am. I can’t imagine the pain it would cause him to know that I deserted him. Could he ever understand? Could he ever forgive?

After this morning, the danger will pass and we will both go back to our separate “worlds”. But I will be forever grateful for the gift I have been given today. I never imagined that in a world of 7 billion people that I would meet our son by chance in this far flung corner of the world. Albert Schweitzer once said that “Coincidence is the pseudonym dear God chooses when he wants to remain incognito.” If that is true, then I have God to thank for giving me such a wonderful, if bittersweet, gift today. I feel like my heart is full and breaking at the same time.

To both of you all a can say is… I love you, I love you, I love you and I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.       

Forever and Always, Catherine             

 Bittersweet Parting

Cici laid down the book as she turned her attention to Candy who had awakened and needed her attention. Candy was due to be released from the hospital as soon as she was cleared by the surgeon. Cici was busy getting Candy ready so they could exit the hospital as quickly as possible. She gave Candy a quick sponge bath and carefully brushed and braided the little girl’s hair. She was hoping to get away before she had another encounter with Doc Jake. In her haste she failed to notice that her journal had slipped beneath the folds in the bedding.

As Cici helped Candy dress they chatted sweetly with each other in Thai.

“เรากำลังจะกลับบ้านตอนนี้กรุ๊ป. Are we going home now, Cici?” Candy asked.

“ใช่ลูกอมเรามีกำลังจะกลับบ้าน. Yes, Candy, we are going home,” Cici answered.

“บนรถไฟได้หรือไม่? On the train?” asked her little charge.

“ใช่บนรถไฟที่ลูกอม. Yes, on the train, Candy,” said Cici

Looking around her, Candy asked, “สถานที่ซึ่งครอบคลุมที่ใบหน้าของฉัน ผมไม่เห็นว่ามัน. Where is the covering for my face? I don’t see it.”

Cici could hear the fear rising in Candy’s voice. “คุณไม่จำเป็นต้องครอบคลุมในวันนี้ คุณจะไม่จำเป็นต้องเป็นอีกต่อไป You don’t need the covering today. You won’t need it anymore.” Cici tried to reassure her.

As Candy began to cry, Cici took the little girl's face in her hands and said, “คุณมีลูกอมที่สวยงาม. คุณไม่จำเป็นต้องใช้ในการซ่อนใบหน้าของคุณอีกต่อไป Candy, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. You never need to hide your face ever again.”

Cici had always told Candy she was beautiful. But even at her tender age, Candy knew that the rest of the world didn’t see the “beauty” that Cici saw. Then she said as if her heart would break, “คุณมักจะบอกว่าลูกอมที่สวยงาม แต่ลูกอมมีความสวยงามไม่ได้ ลูกอมขี้เหร่ You always say Candy is beautiful. But Candy is not beautiful! Candy is ugly!”

Candy tried to stop crying, but the tears kept silently rolling down her tiny face while her little chin quivered.

“การเข้าพักที่นี่ ผมจะได้กลับไป Stay right here. I will be right back,” Cici said as she ran from the room.

In a moment Cici returned with a hand mirror and handed it to Candy. Candy didn’t want to look. She knew all too well what she looked like. She hated looking at herself in the mirror.

As the surgeon and Doc Jake entered the room they heard Cici coaxing Candy to look in the mirror. Candy’s eyes got very big as she looked at her new smile for the first time. The little girl was speechless.

After a long silence Candy finally spoke in a disbelieving tone, “เป็นเรื่องจริง ลูกอมของที่สวยงาม   It’s true? Candy is beautiful?”

She dropped the mirror and threw herself into Cici’s arms, squeezing her tightly. What a sight they made, the two of them laughing and hugging.

Cici froze when she saw the two doctors. She had no choice now but to try and maintain her composure until they could leave the hospital.

The surgeon seemed pleased with the results of the surgery. He gave Cici specific post op instructions and explained that Candy would need additional surgery in the coming years. Cici agreed to bring her back in the following year when Operation Smile returned. The doctor signed the release papers and they were free to go. Doc Jake stayed behind to talk to Candy. Candy was very shy and still clung to Cici.

Cici whispered into Candy’s ear, “คุณสามารถบอกว่าขอขอบคุณที่คุณให้หมอปิติสำหรับยิ้มใหม่ของคุณ” “Can you say Thank you to Doc Jake for your new smile?”

Candy respectfully turned to Doc Jake and waid (pronounced-wide) very low as she spoke softly in Thai, “ขอขอบคุณที่คุณเป็นอย่างมากสำหรับยิ้มใหม่ของฉัน” “Thank you very much for my new smile”

Doctor Jake went down to her at eye level and said, “You are very welcome, Candy.”

Looking toward Cici he asked, “Do you think she would let me give her a hug?”

Cici came down to their level too and asked Candy, “คุณสามารถช่วยให้ doc ปิติกอดและจูบ Can you give Doctor Jake a hug and a kiss?”

At this Candy hid her face in Cici’s neck.

Jake laughed. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a piece of butterscotch candy. “I have a sweet for a very sweet little girl.” He held it out to Candy. Candy put it in her mouth and smiled. She then reached up and put her little arms around Jake’s neck and kissed him sweetly on the cheek and whispered in his ear in her best English, “Sank you bery much, Khun Doc Jake, for you to be my friend.”

Cici was having a little trouble holding back her tears at this point. She had experienced wide range of emotions in the last several hours. She held out her slightly shaking hand to Doc Jake and said, “Thank you, for everything you’ve done for her.”

Doc Jake said, “I really didn’t do that much.”

“Yes you did,” Cici insisted.“You were kind to a frightened little girl. She hasn’t seen very much of that in her short life. She was doomed to a life in the dark, Jake. You, all of you here, have lit a candle for her.”

Jake just blushed a little and tried his best to wai to Cici.

“Well, I guess this is it. It’s been wonderful meeting you, Doctor Jake. Have a safe trip home.” She held her hand out to him. She wanted so badly to pull him into her arms and embrace her son for the first time in his life (for the first time in her life), but she knew that couldn’t happen. As they shook hands stiffly she felt a surge of emotion well up within her. Cici knew she needed to get away quickly before she lost complete control.                                          

Dream Train

As the Tuk Tuk[10] pulled away from the hospital Cici breathed a sigh of relief. It was all she could do to maintain her composure during their last encounter. As the train pulled out of the station Candy fell asleep on Cici’s lap. Cici watched the countryside slip passed, putting distance between her and her son. She let the tears quietly flow down her cheeks as she absent mindedly held the crystal that hung around her neck.

She sat there like that for quite some time and then she thought she heard an old familiar voice clearly say “Catherine? She inhaled deeply as she turned to see who was there, but she was still alone. She must have imagined it, but it brought her enough to herself to realize that it wasn’t a good idea for her to give in to her emotions like that. Wiping her tears she scolded herself, “Get a grip Catherine.” And after several deep breaths she was able to get it under control. She was looking forward to getting back to the orphanage and taking a long nap.

An hour later, as the train neared the station, Cici woke from a light sleep. Candy was quietly drawing a picture on some paper that she had fished out of Cici’s backpack. Looking closely Cici could see that it was a picture of Candy holding hands with Doc Jake and Cici. They were surrounded by hearts and sunshine and flowers. Cici smiled and then she realized the rest of the contents of her backpack had been strewn on and under the seat. Cici quickly gathered everything up and put it back in the bag as the train pulled into the station. It would be good for Cici to get back to her regular routine. She needed to keep busy so she could forget.

It wasn’t until hours later when she had unpacked and had a quiet moment that she decided to write a little in her journal and she realized she hadn’t seen it when she unpacked. She went to the backpack to see if she had left it there.

Where is it? she wondered. Reflecting on the day, she realized she must have left it on the train when she packed things up in a hurry. She sunk down on the edge of the bed when she realized that it was lost forever. She had carried that journal with her everywhere she had gone for the last 25 years. She didn’t write in it often, but it contained all her deepest thoughts, her dreams and her sorrows. She felt as if she had lost a most cherished and treasured friend. It was the last link she had to her past and who she really was…

                                                            ****

After the shocking encounter with Catherine in his chamber, Vincent, spent several hours worrying about what it all meant. He finally fell into an uneasy sleep. It wasn’t long before he began to dream that he was looking out of a window with the view outside quickly passing by. As he looked away from the window he saw a woman across from him, looking out the same window, without really seeing. Tears were streaming silently down her face. She looked as if her heart was breaking. She had one hand resting softly on the head of a small sleeping child and one hand holding a pendant that hung around her neck. She reached up to wipe her tears and momentarily let go of the necklace. It was long enough for Vincent to see that the pendant was a crystal. It sparkled in the sunlight. He could see that it was the crystal that he had given to Catherine so many years ago. He looked more closely at the woman’s face and was shocked to see that it was Catherine, but she was much older than the Catherine he remembered. Looking even closer he could see a distinct scar near her left ear[11]. In disbelief he said her name, “Catherine?” He saw her turn her head quickly toward him, as if she had actually heard him call her name, but he could tell that she couldn’t see him. As he watched, she wiped her tears and took several deep breaths. And then he woke up in his chamber.

 An Honest Mistake

As the nurse was gathering up the sheets from the beds of discharged patients, she found Cici’s forgotten journal. An old leather bound book that had slipped beneath the covers of one of the beds. She opened it to look for some identification. Written on the inside cover was the name “Vincent”. The nurse assumed that it must belong to Dr. Vincent, so she took it to the nurse’s station. 

Later as the doctors and volunteers from Operation Smile were gathering at the front of the hospital with their luggage, the nurse remembered her find. She ran back to the nurse’s station and retrieved the book. As Jake was getting into the songtau[12] the nurse called out his name. “Doctor Vincent, you forgot your book.”

Jake was preoccupied and said, “Oh thank you! Can you put it in my back pack over there? It’s the red one with green bandana tied to it.”

She quickly found the backpack and stuffed it inside just as the taxi driver was loading the luggage into the truck.

Jake had been on several of these Operation Smile trips before. But there was something different about this one. As they headed for the airport Jake couldn’t get the image of Cici and Candy out of his mind. He felt that even though this trip had been no different than many others, somehow Cici and Candy had stolen a little piece of his heart.

Words of a Broken Heart           

April 13, 2014

As the plane was coming into JFK International Airport Jake couldn’t stop looking out the window. As if he could spot that one person he knew was waiting for him on the ground if he just looked close enough. Or that perhaps by looking steadfastly at the ground he could somehow make the plane land sooner. By the time he retrieved his luggage and made his way through passport control and customs he was on pins and needles.

As he came out into the meeting area of the airport, he heard Becka calling his name before he spotted her. Before he knew it, she was in his arms. They both laughed and he took a deep breath and drank in her sweetness. Jake had grown up hearing about the great love story of his parents. But Jake had never imagined he could ever love someone the way he loved Becka. The wedding was in two weeks and for both of them it wasn’t soon enough. Becka couldn’t stop talking as they drove to Jake’s apartment. It might irritate some people, especially right after a 22 hour plane trip. But to Jake it was the sweetest of music.

As he listened to Becka, he recalled Cici’s words, “How many of us never truly value the ‘treasures’ in our own lives before we’ve lost them forever? …I’ve learned to cherish the moments and the gifts I am given.”

“Hey, Jake ... where are you?” asked Becka. “You have the cutest look on your face.”

Jake laughed softly. “I was just enjoying the sound of your voice and trying to cherish this moment. Do you know how much I love you, Becks?”

She reached over and squeezed his hand. “I love you too, Jake.”

When Jake didn’t reply she glanced over and could see that he was asleep. She smiled. He always came back from these trips completely exhausted. He seemed a little bit different this time. She couldn’t quite put her finger on it.

Becka helped Jake get his things up to his apartment and then left him to sleep. She wanted so badly to spend time with him, but she could see how tired he was.

“I’ll call you tomorrow, ‘kay? Now get some sleep. You look like a zombie.” She gave him a quick hug and a kiss and left him sitting on the edge of the bed.

Jake didn’t want to let her go, but he knew she was right. He could barely stand on his feet. He sat on his bed and didn’t even get both shoes off before he was unconscious.

Becka made him a sandwich and left it wrapped in the fridge and then decided to unpack his luggage while he slept. She knew he would sleep for hours, but she wanted to be near him for a little while. As she unpacked his backpack she found Cici’s journal and assumed it was one of Jake’s old books. She put it on his book shelf with all of his other old books. She went into the bedroom to look at him one more time, kissed him on the forehead and then quietly slipped out of Jake’s apartment.

Jake was so tired that he slept a dreamless sleep for several hours. Then just before he woke up he thought he felt two little arms hug him tightly around the neck as he heard a sweet little voice say, “Sank you bery much, Khun Doc Jake, for you to be my friend.” And then he thought he heard Cici saying, “You light a candle, Jake. You light a candle.”

Jake woke with a start and realized he had been sleeping for a long time. Reaching for his cell phone, he saw that it was just past midnight. Knowing that with jet lag he was probably finished sleeping for the night, he decided to go see his dad.

Jake wasn’t surprised to see his father approaching as he neared the living areas in the tunnels. After all these years he knew his father often had a sense when he was near. For the longest time he thought everyone had that kind of connection with their parents. As he grew he realized that his relationship with his father was unique in many ways. They greeted each other with a big bear hug.

“It’s good to have you back, Jacob! I missed you,” Vincent said.

“You always say that, Dad,” Jake laughed.

Vincent considered Jacob’s reply and said, “I guess you’re right. But for some reason, I really missed you this time. Did everything go well?”

“Sure, Dad, everything went fine. Why do you ask?” Jake countered.

“I don’t know. I’ve been restless the last few days and I had some very strange dreams. I was worried,” Vincent confided.

As they settled down for a visit in Vincent’s chamber, Jake felt the comfort of his old home.

“So tell me about Thailand?” Vincent asked.

“Well, the little I saw was beautiful. I spent most of my time at the hospital. There wasn’t really much time for sightseeing.” Jake laughed a little. “I wanted to get back as soon as possible so I could help Becka with the wedding. The truth is I will probably just get in her way.”

“I’m so glad that you’ve found someone special, Jacob. I used to worry that having me for your father would hold you back,” Vincent said.

Jake understood. He and Becka had known each other a long time before he had trusted her with the truth about his life and lineage and before he brought her to the tunnels to introduce her to his father.

Jake said, “I’m not ashamed of who we are, Dad. You know that don’t you? I just want to keep you safe.”

Vincent replied, “Yes, I know that.”

As he looked at Jacob he realized he was wearing a rose pendant where his mother’s crystal used to be.

He asked, “Where did you get that rose? Did you finally give your crystal to Rebecka?”

Jake reached up for the rose that Cici had given him and replied, “Uh … actually I gave it to someone else.” He bit his lip and thought about what had prompted him to give away his mother’s crystal.

Vincent was a little surprised. He thought that Jacob would treasure it more than that.

Jake could see that his father was a little confused and bothered by what he had done. He tried to quickly explain, “It was the strangest thing, Dad. There was this woman in Thailand that came to the hospital with a little Thai girl. She was American … If you met her Dad ... she was amazing. She has dedicated her life to working in this orphanage. As soon as I met her I felt like I knew her from somewhere … there was some kind of connection. And the little girl that she brought to have her cleft lip and cleft palate repaired, she was the sweetest little thing. I can’t get them out of my head. I think she stole a little piece of my heart.”

Vincent was confused. “This woman? But I thought you and Becka…”

Jake interrupted, “No, Dad, the little girl. But I talked with this woman for hours and the more we talked, the more I thought how she was so much like what I had always imagined my own mother would be like. She even sang the same lullaby to that little girl that my angel used to sing to me when I was little. When you gave me the crystal, Dad, you said that one day I would meet a woman that reminded me of my mother and that when I did I should give the crystal to her.”

Vincent was even more confused and asked, “Do you love this woman? I thought that you would give it to Becka ….”

Jake interrupted again, a little frustrated, “No, Dad, I don’t love her. She’s old.” As he said this he rolled his eyes. “She’s probably old enough to be my mother.”

Vincent said, “I’m sorry. I don’t understand.”

Jake continued, “If you met this woman, Dad, I’m sure you would understand. I’m sure you would like her. She is so much like you. Anyway, I told her I wanted to give her the crystal, but she wouldn’t take it. She said it looked like an heirloom. When I insisted, she agreed to take it only if she could give me this. She said it reminded her of someone she had known a long time ago. So I agreed”

At this he handed the rose to his Father. Vincent was intrigued by it. He had a flash of the memory of the night Catherine had given him a special rose[13]. As he turned it over in his hand, he saw something drawn on the back. It looked like tiny words were written in a spiral design, but the only word he could read was “… Always…”, because the other words were too small. He handed it back to Jake and asked “What does it say? I can’t make it out.”

Jake took it and said, “I don’t know. I didn’t notice that there was anything on the back.” As he looked at it he couldn’t make it out either. “Do you have a magnifying glass around here?”

Vincent searched for a few minutes before he found it. He handed it to Jacob and Jacob went over to the lamp. Squinting and turning it around in his hand he slowly read….

“Though … lovers … be … lost … love … shall … not … and … death … shall … have … no … dominion ... While … I … live … you … live … with … me … in … me ... Always …”

As Jake read those words Vincent was taken back … back to the worst night of his life[14]. Jake disappeared and Vincent was back on that roof holding Catherine in his arms. The pain of that moment was as fresh as it was the day it happened. It was such a shock to Vincent to hear those words, those excruciatingly painful words. He repeated slowly the last words he had spoken to Catherine, words he had never repeated to anyone… “While I live, you live, with me, in me … Always”.

Jake was a little frightened by the look on his father’s face. He could see that the words he had read had taken him far from this chamber. He could see the pain in his father’s eyes. He was quiet for a moment and then he reached out and gently placed his hand on Vincent’s shoulder and asked, “Dad?”

Vincent looked at Jacob as if he had just woken up and was a little confused.

Jake asked again, “Dad? What are those words? Is it a poem?”

Vincent replied slowly, “Those words …. No one could possibly know those … words.” And then he shook his head. “No, it’s not possible.” He began to pace slowly, deep in thought.

Jake was concerned and interrupted Vincent’s thoughts. “Dad? What? What is it?”

Vincent looked intently at Jacob and asked, “This woman? What did she look like?”

Jake shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t know. She was just a regular lady. Uhmm… she was maybe this tall. She had long hair. Uh … greenish eyes. She was old … ish. You know … like you Dad. Maybe a little bit younger. I don’t know.”

Vincent pressed him more, “Did she have any … scars?”

Jake thought for a minute. “She had something, I think…” He touched the left side of his face, near his ear and then said, “No … I’m not really sure. Why?”

Vincent was deep in thought. “It can’t be.” He thought out loud. And then, “No, it’s impossible. I was there when she … I stayed with her. We’ve seen her … spirit here in the tunnels.”

Vincent didn’t realize he was thinking out loud as he continued to pace. He had been softly speaking his thoughts, forgetting that Jake was even there.

Jake interrupted his musings, “Dad, what is it? What’s wrong?”

Vincent answered, “Those words … Those are the words. Words I’ve never told anyone. They were too painful to speak. The last words your mother and I spoke to each other. And then when she … died, I stayed with her for hours, until the dawn … and then ...”

It was clear how much pain just speaking about it was causing him. But Jake wanted to know. So he asked, “and then what?”

Vincent continued, “… and then I kissed her and said, ‘While I live, you live, with me, in me … Always[15].’ I was the only one there, besides Catherine, and she was…” He couldn’t say the word, “… already … gone.”

Jake looked back to the writing on the rose and asked, “What do you think it means?”

Vincent was becoming more practical now as he concluded, “I guess it means nothing. It must just be a strange coincidence. I suppose those words are words anyone might say when they’ve lost someone the way I lost her. They’re the words of a broken heart.”

“You are probably right. She told me that I should cherish the gifts and the moments I’m given, because I never know when it will all be gone. She sounded like someone who knows … loss.”

Vincent was quiet for a moment and then remarked, nodding, “That even sounds like something Catherine might have said. I think I understand why you wanted to give the crystal to her. I would have liked to meet her. She sounds exceptional.”

Jake agreed. “She is, Dad. I can’t get them out of my head. You should have seen this little girl. She has suffered so much. And her future is probably pretty hopeless too. But you should see how she smiles. She just lights up a room, and she has the sweetest little laugh. I think she stole a little piece of my heart. Isn’t that strange?”

Vincent answered, “Why would that be strange?”

Jake quickly replied, “Of all of the children we see and help in a year? Why would this one stand out? It doesn’t make sense.”

Jake and Vincent continued to talk for some time. After a while Jake rose to leave. “I better get back, Dad. I have to go back to work tomorrow and I’m sure Becka has a list of things we need to do for the wedding.”

They walked together to the Central Park exit of the tunnels. And in the dim morning light Jake left a lonely trail of footprints in the moist morning grass as he headed back to his apartment building.