Three Little Words
JoAnn Baca
“I love you.”
There, I’ve finally said it. And not at a moment of desperation, or after a trauma so deep that the words hardly were heard, much less acknowledged. He can’t pretend any longer that I spoke them out of gratitude...or pity. This time, he’s got to know that the words mean...precisely what they mean.
God, I hope I haven’t pushed too hard. But these words were burning in my throat, longing to get out, crying to be heard. For so long...so long. And tonight...listening to the music wash over me here in our special chamber below the band shell, feeling him so warm and solid sitting beside me...it just felt so right...so natural. I couldn’t help myself. Just three little words whispered in his ear....
Oh, God, no.... He’s turned away. His hand has closed into a fist, and it’s pressing down on his upraised knee as if, by that action alone, he’s stopping himself from leaving me. I can hear his breathing, his respirations fast and harsh. The sudden tension in his body has him coiled as tightly as a spring. No! No....
In my mind I’ve played this scene out a hundred times. I’ve imagined him shocked...shy...responsive - as many different reactions as scenarios. I’ve always hoped...but I’ve always been realistic, too. So why am I surprised that it’s the worst reaction I’m seeing now?
He’s so damned noble about us, so sure that the way we must travel is too difficult, too dangerous, so adamant that what we can have together is nothing compared to what awaits me Above.... I can see it in him already - by the rigid set of his shoulders, the tautness in his limbs - he’s about to reject those words, deny the feelings behind them.
Damn it! This is just like the trip to Connecticut. Wonderful to discuss, to consider...but when I actually put the wheels into motion...he backed away, letting his family convince him that it would be selfish, risky. He allowed himself be persuaded then, because in his heart he didn’t truly want to make that trip. It would have meant accepting a new level of commitment to the concept of “us”...from me. And that is something he’s never permitted. As long as it resides safely in a dream, our future together is so easy for him to talk of. But when it comes to transforming our Bond into a bond of a different sort....
What am I thinking? I’m as much to blame as he is - I’ve never really challenged him, never truly fought for our right to be together, to have a future...a real one, not just a...dream. I can’t criticize him without taking a large share of it upon myself. It’s both our faults that we’ve...drifted...for so long. But how long can we drift before the years melt away...and we are no closer to achieving our dream? Time is never wasted as long as I can spend even some of it with him...but we can be so much more to each other...we should be. Oh, God, I need him so much...and I know he needs me....
NO! I’m not going to cry. These stupid tears are stopping....right....NOW. I’m going to take whatever he says and try to build on it, no matter what.... Whenever he finds his own words, I’ll find different ones to finally force him to consider the potential...the promise...the truth of what we could be to each other.
He’s turning back to me! Oh God oh God oh God oh God......
Take a breath, Chandler. Get hold of yourself. Brace yourself for whatever he might say. Remember, no matter what he might do, this isn’t the end - it’s only the beginning. This is one fight you must win - for both of us.
He’s looking at me so...strangely. His eyes...
I’ve got to focus, now is NOT the time to get lost in the liquid depths of those blue, blue eyes. But...oh, how I’d love to. How I long to. Just to tumble into them and lose myself...sink deep into the adoration and tenderness that always....
Stop it! Stop acting like...like the lovesick idiot you are. Face it - you’re a hopeless fool for this man. Have been since the beginning, even though you didn’t recognize the attraction at first, even though you fought it for a time, buying into his insistence that what you had was only friendship. Hah! Right. Friendship never, ever feels the way you’ve always felt for him. And it never looked out at you from eyes that melted your soul like his.
Why is he just...staring at me? God, his gaze is like a caress, more intimate than another man’s touch. I’d sit here forever if he promised to go on looking at me this way. Looking at me as if...as if....
If he was any other man, I’d think he was going to...to kiss me! But...
Calm down, Chandler...don’t get your hopes up. This is Vincent. He’s come close so often...so close...but never crossed that line. You could always tell it in his eyes, the moment his mind overruled his heart. Look into his eyes now. Trust them. They’ll tell you what you need to know.
Oh!
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm........