Chapter 12
"May I speak to you, Father?"
Jacob Wells closed the ledger he had been writing in and turned to face his son. "Of course. Come in, Vincent! The tea should still be warm enough, if you would like some."
Vincent waved the proposal away, also ignoring his parent's gesture toward a seat, and remained there standing in the middle of the study, uneasily shifting his weight from one foot to the other. Father restrained a smile. He hadn't seen Vincent do that for years, not since he'd learned in early adulthood to hide the restlessness of his soul under an invariably calm and dignified demeanor. In his son's early years that stance always meant that he was troubled or bothered over some issue, and he must be very bothered indeed for the old-time habit to surface despite years of self-discipline.
Not difficult either, to guess at the problem that seemed to trouble Vincent so much. Like all the tunnel community, Father had been watching the fast progress of his relationship with Catherine, culminating with that wonderful dance at Winterfest... and the apparent lack of progress ever since. Though he had never discussed it with Catherine, Father knew the subtle backing away everyone had noticed wasn't her doing, even if she appeared to have accepted it without impatience or resentment. Though it must have been hard for her, she understood better than the community, better than Jacob Wells himself, that Vincent needed time for more pondering before taking the next step into a commitment that would bind them together.
Well, those ponderings seemed to have finally come to some result, at least enough that Vincent would be willing to share them with someone else. About time...
Father waited, expectantly looking at his son, even though it forced him to crane his neck in a painful way, until Vincent realized it and took a seat. Father remained silent, waiting, and his son finally started to speak in a low voice, avoiding his gaze.
"Father you surely have noticed that Catherine and I have... grown close over the months she's spent here."
Father chuckled. "I may be getting older, but I'm not blind or deaf yet!"
"Catherine... will soon have her child..."
Father gravely nodded. "Considering that she is reaching the end of her ninth month of pregnancy, it does seem likely, yes..."
Vincent sighed. His parent certainly wasn't going to make things easy for him.
"Did she...tell you what she... intends to do then?"
Father glanced at him over his glasses. "Why are you asking me? You should ask Catherine."
"I know, but I find it... difficult!"
The older man shook his head. "Why? As you said, you are close now. You should be able to ask her a simple question like 'Catherine, what are you going to do after your child is born?'."
Vincent lowered his gaze. "Catherine and I never... broached that subject. I... still don't know what reason made her come Below... or what motives she could have to remain here. Oh Father, how shall I stand it if she decides to go back Above?" he blurted out.
"So you want her to stay Below?"
Vincent squared his shoulders and looked at his parent with a hint of defiance. "I want more than that. I want Catherine to stay... with me. Join with me. I love her, Father!"
He didn't know what reaction he had expected, but probably not the strange mixture of sympathy and amusement in his parent's eyes as the quiet answer came, startling him. "Then maybe you should tell her so!"
"Should I, really?"
"What do you mean? Have you any reason to think Catherine doesn't share your feelings?"
Vincent shook his head. "I know she does share them, amazing as it may seem! Yet do I have the right to ask for such a sacrifice from her? Catherine and her child belong to the light, how could I wish that they remain in the darkness, with one...such as I?"
"Unless that's also her wish! Only she can decide where she belongs, Vincent." The older man retorted. "But to make her decision she needs to know what her options are. How can a choice be made if none is offered? I think you should speak to her."
Vincent lowered his head. "Can I really ask her to join with me? To share my life, my... bed! I don't even know if I can..."
Father shrugged. "There's no reason why you couldn't!" he answered in a quiet, matter-of-fact tone.
Vincent looked sharply at his parent. "You, for one gave me enough warnings on that subject. After what happened with..."
"Lisa? That was long ago, Vincent!" Father cut in. You were hardly more than children, and I think I overreacted. I was scared. Lisa herself was much less shocked and hurt than you were. She hardly remembers the incident."
"You saw Lisa? She came back?"
Father nodded. "Yes, a few months before your... illness. She had gotten involved with a dangerous man, and wanted to hide from him in the tunnels. Catherine convinced Lisa to testify against the man, and placed her under police protection.
"Catherine... has met Lisa?" It took Vincent some time to recover from the shock enough to wonder. "Does Catherine know about...?"
"She didn't learn it from me, that's all I can say. But I have no means of knowing what Lisa ... or you, for that matter, might have told Catherine then."
Vincent silently digested the answer, afraid to ask the question nagging at him. Had he really been close enough to Catherine in the past that Father thought he could have told her about... that?
"However, Vincent, the reason I mentioned Lisa is that... I made a decision about you, then, to keep you safe. A decision which has been weighing heavily on your life ever since. I doubt now that it was the right decision, yet it seemed so at the time, and I took the responsibility of it, as your father." He looked straight into his son's distressed eyes. "But there is no reason that it should go on ruling your life now that you're a grown man."
"Am I, Father?" Vincent asked.
The older man took some time to consider the question, looking his son up and down, before answering in a very soft voice.
"Grown? Undoubtedly!"
They exchanged a long, intense look, and Father was glad to see the shadow of a smile on Vincent's lips as he slightly relaxed. Yet he knew they hadn't come to the heart of the matter yet, to the real reason that had brought Vincent to his study tonight. He had the confirmation of that whan Vincent suddenly rose to pace the study before coming to a halt in front of him, looking down at the floor with a frown.
"Father... there is.. something else... I worry about. Though I may have no right to ask..."
"Well, ask anyway!"
"That... man..."
"What man?" Father inquired, with perfect fake innocence.
Vincent lifted his gaze to meet his parent's.
"The man who fathered Catherine's child!" he blurted out. "Catherine never said a word about him, and I... never had the courage to ask her. Do you know anything about that man, Father? I'm not asking you to betray Catherine's trust, but..."
Father took pity on his suffering son and cut in.
"Vincent, without betraying Catherine's trust in any way, I can tell you that you needn't worry yourself about that matter. I assure you that her child's father can in no way be an obstacle to your relationship."
"But.." Vincent started, but Father didn't let him go on.
"I'm afraid that's all I can tell you for now... but it does answer your question, doesn't it?"
He could see the change as his words sank in, his son's worried expression gradually turning into relief, then into a full, happy grin.
"Yes, it does! Thank you, Father. You have given me much to think about."
The older man smiled back. "Please don't think too much!" He looked right into his son's eyes. "You've grown into the kind of man a father can be proud of having raised, the kind of man any child would be fortunate to have as a father. Just listen to your heart! And don't forget that Catherine, too, has a right to decide for herself. She deserves to be offered a choice!"
Vincent silently nodded, and left the study, walking in big strides without any conscious aim until he found himself in his own chamber. With a sigh he shed his boots and cloak, and threw himself on his bed, absentmindedly watching the candlelight play its ever shifting lights and shadows on the rocky ceiling, a perfect echo to the lights and shadows of his own thoughts dancing in his mind. The conversation with Father had helped, though he knew it had not been in fact necessary. At some moments he'd almost had the impression they were playing a well-rehearsed scene. Obviously Father had known in advance what he was going to say, and Vincent himself had to admit he had not really needed his parent's advice, because he had already come to his own conclusions, and they were the same.. Yet it had helped to hear them voiced, after weeks of lonesome soul-searching. It had helped to play the Devil's advocate by enumerating all the possible adverse arguments, including the one that had worried him the most, the thorny point about the child's father, and have Father brush them all away. As he himself finally had, even if it had taken him some time.
Lost time? Part of Vincent was tempted to think so. Had he followed the path that had opened before him at Winterfest, he and Catherine would have been together, truly together, for three months now. He would have had her in his arms, in his bed, every night, in the warmth and safety of a mutual commitment they both had been ready to make. Or almost. Obviously he hadn't been quite ready... since he had seized the first opportunity to back away!
Of course at the time it had not appeared to him that way. He had convinced himself that he was doing it for Catherine.
After Winterfest he'd had to go to the lower levels for a week, for some routine maintenance work on the main water pipe. All the time her image had been in his eyes, her sweet voice in his ears, his lips tingling with the memory of hers as he worked hard with the crew. He missed her every second, and only utter physical exhaustion made him able to sleep at night, when his soul desperately yearned for Catherine's presence and his body burned with a fierce need that pursued him in fevered dreams.
And one night, one of those dreams had gone all the way to a glorious completion, and to his great shame he had startled his companions awake with a powerful roar. Though they'd all blamed it on a nightmare and even shown some concern, Vincent had felt terribly embarrassed, humiliated by that unwelcome reminder of his animal side. His assurance and certainty had begun to desert him.
He had been happy, of course, to see Catherine again, but he had shied away from her welcome kiss. He knew it had surprised her and even pained her, though she had not let it show, expressing only her joy to see him. And then they had gone Above to Sam and Karen's house.
Vincent sighed. It had been such a wonderful evening. They had emerged from the tunnels to be welcomed with flower necklaces into a house decorated with lots of beautiful exotic objects... and filled with succulent exotic smells. Karen had cooked a delicious Hawaiian dinner and they enjoyed it thoroughly, chatting and laughing themselves silly. Yes, even him! He couldn't remember having ever laughed so much. After dinner they watched slide-shows and videos of the fascinating, faraway islands, full of turquoise lagoons, paradise-like beaches and majestic volcanoes. A wonderful evening indeed, and yet it had left him with a deep feeling of unease, that had kept him silent all the way back, and awake the rest of the night.
Because he had seen Catherine in her world! At ease with all the modern appliances that puzzled him, from the TV to the toaster. Eagerly listening to Sam's anecdotes about the DA's office and telling a few of her own. Giggling with Karen over a few old magazines that showed her attending various social events in her best debutante attire. Adding her comments to the videos, because she, too had visited those enchanted places.
Catherine had a life Above. She belonged there. And he didn't. Tying her to himself would mean limiting her to the darkness and rough, simple life of his world, while she could have everything Above. Could he let her do that to herself? Even if she wanted to? She might think that she wanted to in her present, maybe pregnancy-induced, emotional state. But what if she changed her mind once her child was born and went away? What if she felt imprisoned by a too hasty commitment but still held herself to it? Both would be equally terrible!
Those were the thoughts that had whirled in Vincent's mind during that sleepless night, almost three months before, and in the morning he had made his decision. If after her child was born Catherine decided to stay Below, if her feelings for him were unchanged, he would ask her to stay Below... with him. Until then, things would go back to the way they were before Winterfest.
Though he knew she had been dismayed by his backing away, Catherine had complied without questions or apparent resentment, accepting what he was willing to give without pushing for more. He had felt bad about that, humbled by her acceptance, and had lavished her with attention and care, spending even more time with her, yet holding himself to his decision, certain that he was doing the best for Catherine.
At least for a while. As weeks passed by he had come to doubt the wisdom of his resolution. Every day brought him more evidence that Catherine was truly a part of his world, that she belonged there too. Thinking about it, during the dinner at the Greenes' house, she had talked much more about Below than about Above...
Catherine needed him at her side, and not only in the day. The mysterious connection he had felt with her at Winterfest had manifested itself again, mostly during the nights, throughout the last months. He had shared her need for him, felt her body and soul crying out for his touch as she tossed in her bed and it had taken all his strength not to run to her. Sometimes he needed a late-night swim in the falls to be able to find a few hours of dream-filled, restless sleep. To his great relief, with the progress of her pregnancy the sexual call had gradually subsided, but he still was aware of all the times she lay awake with back ache or leg cramps, or because of the baby's movements. He should have been with her, to give her massages and soothe the child as he did in the day. They both would have slept much more soundly in each other's arms! But his stubbornness had denied them that!
Catherine loved him, she wanted him. That in itself was miraculous, the answer to his deepest prayers. And here he was, putting conditions and reservations on the dream! For Catherine's protection or for his own? By pretending to allow Catherine a free choice he had in fact denied her the freedom to choose him... and had also closed the door on the possibility, however remote, that she might not choose him.
Vincent sighed again. It had taken him many weeks to think all that through. Lost time? Maybe. He couldn't blame Catherine for showing some impatience, as she often did lately... But not wasted time. Just the time he needed to be certain, not of what he wanted - that he had known for a long time - but that he was right to want it.
He suddenly sat up. Now he was certain and he would lose no more time. Maybe he could... he searched his soul and was slightly disappointed to feel nothing at all from Catherine, and hardly a faint pulsing from the child. They seemed to be both soundly sleeping, for once! Smiling at his own impatience, Vincent started to ready himself for bed. Chances were that he might sleep well this night, too! He'd need his strength, for first thing tomorrow he would go to Catherine, and lay his heart at her feet. He trusted her to treat it gently.