After "Chamber Music" DRAFT

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Re: After "Chamber Music" DRAFT

by 222333 » Thu Dec 29, 2016 1:04 am

*
He sat on the bench, heedless of the thick layer of dust on it. The seat fit. The pedals fit. Everything was the same, and everything was different.

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Re: After "Chamber Music" DRAFT

by cindyrae77 » Fri Dec 16, 2016 1:13 am

Yes, that's fine.

Onward:

The heavy, dusty cloth fell to the side, revealing battered treasure. His first piano. The one old Eli had heard him playing Rachmaninoff on. He wondered if the G key still stuck, a little. He wondered if the old seat would feel the same as it once did, hard, yet comforting, under his backside. He knew he wouldn't need to 'reach' subtly, to hit the pedals. Slender fingers traced the top, in a returned lover's caress.

"Right now, it's an empty gift."

"Can you help him to fulfill it?"

Re: After "Chamber Music" DRAFT

by 222333 » Wed Dec 14, 2016 12:37 am

English note: 'his hopes got up on the child' doesn't quite make sense in English, though I think I know what you're trying to say. Something like 'he had uncharacteristically let his hopes get tangled up with the child?' Or no, you meant something else?


I want to say that Eli allowed himself to hope about Rolley (despite his knowledge of the background etc.) Does the turn of phrase you suggest mean that? Or how can it be said?

the boy made a slow beeline for the instrument.

the boy slowly crossed the room to the instrument.
is this ok?

Onward...

While he pushed the dirty fabric away from the smooth surface of the piano, that out-of-practice smile twisted the corners of his mouth again. Like pushing clouds away and see the moonlight. No, not away. The clouds stay. But they… what did she say?... make a different sense.

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Re: After "Chamber Music" DRAFT

by cindyrae77 » Sat Dec 10, 2016 1:24 am

English note: 'his hopes got up on the child' doesn't quite make sense in English, though I think I know what you're trying to say. Something like 'he had uncharacteristically let his hopes get tangled up with the child?' Or no, you meant something else?

Also, while some definitions of 'beeline' simply give 'to go straight towards it,' there is also an intimation of 'speed' involved. "He made a beeline over to the buffet table" implies he's not only moving straight there, without stopping, he's doing that somewhat (or even very) quickly. Bee line also appears as two words in some places, in others, one. (It's the line a worker bee flies in when they are bringing nectar back to the hive.)

Onward:

The furnace rattled, and Rolley remembered the sound. The concrete floor was cold, and hard to sleep on, and Rolley remembered that, as well. The walls were cinder block, and the room wasn't insulated, since it was a place meant for the furnace, and life's cast offs, like an old rocking chair in need of sanding, that sat in the corner, or the piano. Or me, Rolley thought. He even remembered that the piano bench wasn't a proper piano bench. It had no lid to lift, and the height was even a bit "off." It was long enough to seat two, but just a little high. Rolley remembered having to reach down for the foot pedals. Pedals he could still see, now. Soft pedal. Sustain pedal, to get the sympathetic vibrations of the strings. He remembered the left one was stiffer than the right one. But as he settled a dark hand on the dusty cloth, he wasn't sure what else he remembered.

G-C-E, G-C-E...

Re: After "Chamber Music" DRAFT

by 222333 » Sat Dec 10, 2016 12:43 am

*
But both the furnace clatter and Vincent’s words were lost to Rolley. He was looking at the piano, in the corner, roughly covered with a dusty cloth. Yes, Eli was not going through that basement that often now, as Rolley had immediately noticed and Vincent had tried to discount. Losing Rolley, all those years ago, had been hard for Eli. He had uncharacteristically let that his hopes got up on the child, and was silently nursing his bitter disappointment ever since. Even now that Rolley was back, Eli kept his sceptic distance. And the old piano - where everything began, Vincent mused - was gathering dust. While the furnace jarring noise filled the silence, the boy made a slow beeline for the instrument.

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Re: After "Chamber Music" DRAFT

by cindyrae77 » Thu Dec 08, 2016 10:09 am

Vincent shrugged. "Considering how loudly you were knocking, I assume he isn't home, at the moment. Would you like to go up and see the fix-it shop? Wait for him?" he asked, as the furnace kicked on. Opening the door to the tunnels had caused a blast of cold air to waltz into the room with them. It was a patched-up relic, and it was loud. The same as it had been when Rolley had "stolen warmth," behind its metal ductwork.

Re: After "Chamber Music" DRAFT

by 222333 » Thu Dec 08, 2016 5:35 am

*
“Never had one. Sneaked into things. Into homes. Into music.” Rolley said, looking around the unkempt place. “Eli not using this door now?”

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Re: After "Chamber Music" DRAFT

by cindyrae77 » Thu Dec 08, 2016 1:07 am

(LOL! Okay, THAT was a marvelous reply. I never even realized it! Serendipity.)

The door of the old room was on hinges as old as the lock, and it squeaked inward, as Rolley stepped into the cluttered space. The door caught on an old trunk that had been placed just a little too close to the door to swing open completely, but Rolley's slender frame slipped through, much as it had when he was a boy. For Vincent, however, entering Eli's basement was always a bit of a struggle. Turning his big body sideways, he pressed through.
"A key is a wonderful thing to have," Vincent replied.

Re: After "Chamber Music" DRAFT

by 222333 » Wed Dec 07, 2016 9:37 pm

*
And with a little, strange grimace that Vincent recognized as an out of practice smile, he rejoined, pointing to his belt before putting it again into the loops of his pants: “No, Vincent. There’s the key”.

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Re: After "Chamber Music" DRAFT

by cindyrae77 » Wed Dec 07, 2016 3:05 pm

Yes, I think it does.

If you're looking for other alternatives, and worrying about the tense, here are some other possibilities:

“Can’t leave her there”, Rolley had said, barely stopping his frantic practicing, which had become or 'had now become' the new obsessive, senseless, agonizing hell where (might also be 'which') he had locked himself into.

I don't feel the original is wrong. It's that you're in a sentence that plays with more than one tense. (Rolley is currently doing something which makes Vincent recall something he said, prior.) Those are tricky sentences to write. I probably got confused about that, somehow.

Meanwhile

"What's back at the beginnin', Vincent?" Rolley asked.
"What is at the beginning of every song, Rolley, but the opening notes?" Vincent replied.
Rolley shoved at the door, kicking up dust as it swung inward.

Re: After "Chamber Music" DRAFT

by 222333 » Tue Dec 06, 2016 5:33 am

*
Um...

“Can’t leave her there”, Rolley had said, barely stopping his frantic practicing, which was the new obsessive, senseless, agonizing hell where he had locked himself into.

Does it make sense in this way?

---

Meanwhile...



He stood up, and looked back at Vincent.

.

Re: After "Chamber Music" DRAFT

by cindyrae77 » Mon Dec 05, 2016 12:01 pm

An "English" note. It's "give way" not 'give away.' (Give way means to yield to pressure, or even break or fall.) Give away is to gift something to someone.

Also:

“Can’t leave her there”, Rolley had said, barely stopping his frantic practicing, the new obsessive, senseless, agonizing hell where he had locked himself. And Miss Kendrick’s words suddenly got a new meaning.

I don't understand. Is there a word missing? Sorry!

Meanwhile...

Rolley jiggered the belt hasp inside the lock, and either because of rust or age, Vincent worried that the tumblers inside wouldn't move. But Rolley picked locks with the same vigor with which he used to practice. He did it until he got it right. Got to get good. So they'll let me stay. Rolley's nimble fingers gave a mighty twist, and the lock sprang open.

Re: After "Chamber Music" DRAFT

by 222333 » Mon Dec 05, 2016 9:52 am

*
Vincent silently stood a few steps below, watching his moves, feeling his turmoil, praying that something would give away in his tortured soul, and more than one rusty, dusty door would open. “Can’t leave her there”, Rolley had said, barely stopping his frantic practicing, the new obsessive, senseless, agonizing hell where he had locked himself. And Miss Kendrick’s words suddenly got a new meaning. One that had little to do with music. “He’s got to go back to the beginning, to forget what he knows and learn it all over again.” Looking at the boy now frantically struggling with that rusty lock which marked a threshold between worlds, and lives, and destinies, he wondered about the whim which led him to bring Rolley here… he felt “her” presence, somehow, and allowed himself a little smile.

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Re: After "Chamber Music" DRAFT

by cindyrae77 » Sat Dec 03, 2016 5:42 am

As moonlight broke through the clouds in Rolley's mind's eye, it broke through his memory, as well. No, you didn't knock to get into your own home. You used your key. Rolley stopped, and much to Vincent's amazement, unbuckled his belt and slid it effortlessly through the loops of his shabby pants. He didn't want to admit that the belt was a must, for an addict, since he used it to tie off his arm. Now he used it for what he'd used it for when he was a boy. Kneeling, he used the hasp of the belt as a lockpick. It was how he'd gotten into Eli's basement, to begin with.

G - C- E, Tan-ta-tan...

Re: After "Chamber Music" DRAFT

by 222333 » Sat Dec 03, 2016 12:16 am

*

Because it’s so like Him, Rolley... While banging that obsessive, ominous rhythm on the most absurd of the keyboards, the youth’s peculiar memory could now remember Miss Kendrik’s words almost literally, and see her nimble fingers flying on the keys to let him hear what she was saying. The triplet notes are the clouds, hear?... low, dumb and dark, heavy, menacing… G- C- E, G- C- E… and suddenly… tan… ta-tan… that high G… the moonlight ray shines through them… G… G-G… and the clouds are not menacing any more… they are the background to make the moonlight shine even brighter, and they make quite another sense…

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