After "Chamber Music" DRAFT

Post Reply
User avatar
222333
Site Admin
Posts: 468
Joined: Sun Feb 04, 2007 4:50 am
Location:
Website:

Re: After "Chamber Music" DRAFT

Post by 222333 » Fri Oct 16, 2015 1:51 pm

*
“I want you to do this too, Rolley. We all want it. But a dehydrated and starving body doesn’t help you to do it, don’t you think?” He kept the glass in front of him. “Please?”

-

cindyrae77
Posts: 112
Joined: Thu Jul 17, 2014 8:07 am
Location:
Website:

Re: After "Chamber Music" DRAFT

Post by cindyrae77 » Sat Oct 17, 2015 5:59 am

Rolley stopped, frozen. He looked at the water, and longed for the drink. His hands remained on the keys in the position they'd ceased playing in, fingers raised to touch both black and white, thumbs spread, the index finger of his left hand curled, just a bit, preparing to come down. "I'm afraid," Rolley admitted. "I'm afraid to stop."

User avatar
222333
Site Admin
Posts: 468
Joined: Sun Feb 04, 2007 4:50 am
Location:
Website:

Re: After "Chamber Music" DRAFT

Post by 222333 » Sat Oct 17, 2015 11:10 am

*
Vincent placed the glass on the tray. “Why, Rolley?”

-

cindyrae77
Posts: 112
Joined: Thu Jul 17, 2014 8:07 am
Location:
Website:

Re: After "Chamber Music" DRAFT

Post by cindyrae77 » Sat Oct 17, 2015 4:31 pm

Rolley swallowed, his Adam's apple working up and down his too-thin throat. His parched lips wanted the water, but something wouldn't let him reach for it. His skin gleamed from sweat, and his hands still remained poised. "Don't know. Adagio... Adagio won't work for this." He let the hands come down so that they lightly touched the keys. "Can't be slow. Can't... can't leave her there." Rolley's eyes blinked with a terrible realization.

If you hate that last two lines, pitch them.

User avatar
222333
Site Admin
Posts: 468
Joined: Sun Feb 04, 2007 4:50 am
Location:
Website:

Re: After "Chamber Music" DRAFT

Post by 222333 » Tue Oct 20, 2015 4:00 am

*

“Tell me,” Vincent said, quietly.

-

cindyrae77
Posts: 112
Joined: Thu Jul 17, 2014 8:07 am
Location:
Website:

Re: After "Chamber Music" DRAFT

Post by cindyrae77 » Fri Oct 30, 2015 12:10 am

"You can't always be adagio, Vincent. You can't. Sometimes..." a vision of a distant past haunted him. "Sometimes you have to be fast." He nudged shook his dark head as if to clear it and resumed playing. Rapidly.
Last edited by cindyrae77 on Thu Nov 26, 2015 7:13 am, edited 1 time in total.

User avatar
222333
Site Admin
Posts: 468
Joined: Sun Feb 04, 2007 4:50 am
Location:
Website:

Re: After "Chamber Music" DRAFT

Post by 222333 » Mon Nov 16, 2015 6:39 am

*
{You wrote: “he nudged the glass away” – but in my previous paragraph I had Vincent put it on the tray.}

“Where do you think you’re leaving her, being slow, Rolley?”

.

cindyrae77
Posts: 112
Joined: Thu Jul 17, 2014 8:07 am
Location:
Website:

Re: After "Chamber Music" DRAFT

Post by cindyrae77 » Thu Nov 26, 2015 7:26 am

His sweating fingers crashed the last note and slipped off the keyboard, unable to hold position. Done. Done because there was no other choice for him. Black keys gleamed wetly from his efforts. They'd need a towel, to wipe them with. "You know where," he said, looking lost. "There. I couldn't come out. Too afraid. Too slow. Too... adagio."
He finally reached for the glass, his fingers so slick with perspiration it nearly fell through his grip.
Last edited by cindyrae77 on Mon Dec 07, 2015 6:05 pm, edited 1 time in total.

User avatar
222333
Site Admin
Posts: 468
Joined: Sun Feb 04, 2007 4:50 am
Location:
Website:

Re: After "Chamber Music" DRAFT

Post by 222333 » Mon Dec 07, 2015 4:53 pm

**
There are two "finally" in your last line.


*
Vincent watched the glass being emptied with quick gulps. Then he took it from Rolley’s hands and firmly replaced it with the napkin from the tray. The young man was suddenly aware of a subtle but evident shift in Vincent's demeanor. He was still the gentle, quiet friend, but Rolley realized that he’d better pay attention to him. He glanced at the imposing figure while wiping his face and hands. Vincent took also the napkin from Rolley’s now dry fingers, put it on the tray and quietly said, “Come with me, Rolley.”

.

cindyrae77
Posts: 112
Joined: Thu Jul 17, 2014 8:07 am
Location:
Website:

Re: After "Chamber Music" DRAFT

Post by cindyrae77 » Mon Dec 07, 2015 6:13 pm

it would be "Vincent also took" in English, rather than "Vincent took also."

Vincent didn't look back to see if he was being obeyed, and Rolley knew better than to argue. The big beast's long stride chewed up the ground and Rolley's much weaker legs had to struggle to keep up. The problem with staying stoned for a living was that it cost you a lot of muscle tone, along with everything else. The black man was nursing a stitch in his side by the time they reached the area near Eli's shop.

User avatar
222333
Site Admin
Posts: 468
Joined: Sun Feb 04, 2007 4:50 am
Location:
Website:

Re: After "Chamber Music" DRAFT

Post by 222333 » Tue Dec 08, 2015 12:03 pm

*
Yesss!
Eli's shop!
Perfect!
Yay!

Let's see now...

S - pondering

User avatar
222333
Site Admin
Posts: 468
Joined: Sun Feb 04, 2007 4:50 am
Location:
Website:

Re: After "Chamber Music" DRAFT

Post by 222333 » Tue Dec 08, 2015 6:03 pm

*
He was about to plea for an “adagio” pace after all, when he realized where their hurried stroll along the tunnels were brining them. Memories flooded at the sight of the rough wooden door in front of which Vincent finally stopped. A little panting, Rolley savored the pause as Vincent opened the bolt and pushed the door in. He recognized the dusty staircase that could be half seen in the dark, and suddenly remembered the feeling of Eli’s big hand holding his own small one, the first time they descended those stairs from the basement where Eli had found him… one lifetime ago.

.

cindyrae77
Posts: 112
Joined: Thu Jul 17, 2014 8:07 am
Location:
Website:

Re: After "Chamber Music" DRAFT

Post by cindyrae77 » Tue Dec 08, 2015 6:51 pm

Two small English fixes, "when he realized where their hurried stroll along the tunnels was bringing them" rather than were, and rather than "A little panting," it would be "Panting a little,"

And regarding Eli's shop... If you want to end, try going back to the beginning...(maybe?)

The close confines of the narrow staircase made Rolley feel claustrophobic, and that was before Vincent stepped aside and pushed him firmly through the open doorway. Rolley's sneakered foot kicked up dust on the dry boards and the steps creaked under even his slight weight. They protested even more as Vincent came up behind him, effectively blocking any avenue of escape, and gently pressuring his slender body up the narrow walkway. Rolley could touch the walls on either side of him if he put his arms out, and did so, now. Eli, like Vincent, was a broad shouldered man. Rolley wondered how the two of them had fit in the narrow space the first time Eli had ever taken Rolley below. He remembered holding the old man's hand as he'd walked down, step by step. He marveled that it had been possible.

User avatar
222333
Site Admin
Posts: 468
Joined: Sun Feb 04, 2007 4:50 am
Location:
Website:

Re: After "Chamber Music" DRAFT

Post by 222333 » Wed Dec 09, 2015 5:44 am

And regarding Eli's shop... If you want to end, try going back to the beginning...(maybe?)


*
Ahem... sorry?
I don't understand what you mean
:oops:

S

ps afterthought - Oh! you mean a flashback?
If so... be my guest and do it yourself. Here is my paragraph, take it wherever you want. If that's not what you meant, let's go up and meet Eli.

**
"Don't be afraid, just be careful." The low tones of Eli's voice echoed in his memory.

.

cindyrae77
Posts: 112
Joined: Thu Jul 17, 2014 8:07 am
Location:
Website:

Re: After "Chamber Music" DRAFT

Post by cindyrae77 » Sun Dec 20, 2015 1:21 pm

I don't think I meant 'flashback' so much (though that might happen, in bits and pieces) as I meant Rolley understanding that he really was just a child when Ms. Kendrick was killed. A child among older, stronger children, and maybe a young adult or two. There's not much difference between a 25 year old and a 30 year old, in terms of build. But there's a world of difference between say, a 12-13 year old and a 16-17 year old. Sometimes we 'see a thing' with our 'current eyes.' Rolley says he 'carries' Ms. Kendrick with him. I think he does. But I'm not sure he remembers (or maybe ever knew) what or who "Rolley" was. He was Rolley parrot for so long, and barely was being taught he could have his own voice when she died. "Anthony's Little Brother." "Rolley Parrot." "Rolley, Miss Kendrick's student, who wanted to get good, so he could stay." Then, sadly, "Rolley the addict." I'm not sure why it was so easy to become the latter. Maybe because he never knew any of the former, very well?

Going on...

"The stairs are steep. Be careful, Rolley," Vincent cautioned. They were steep. And still, the narrowness of the tight space struck him. If he put his hands out, Rolley swore he could touch the walls, side to side. Before him, the door to Eli's shop loomed. The fix-it shop Rolley had sought sanctuary in, from the New York cold. The shop where so much began. He remembered Eli's furnace. Remembered curling next to it on a blanket, for warmth. His hands tested the dried wood of the narrow door. It needed a coat of paint. His fingers nearly came away with splinters.

Post Reply

Return to “DRAFT”