After "Chamber Music" DRAFT

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Re: After "Chamber Music" DRAFT

Post by 222333 » Tue Dec 22, 2015 5:10 am

**
Okay, past paragraphs fixed and copied in the Clean Copy.

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*
"Knock, Rolley," he heard Vincent's voice behind him. "Hard."

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Re: After "Chamber Music" DRAFT

Post by cindyrae77 » Tue Dec 22, 2015 2:03 pm

Rolley raised a fist to do as he'd been bid. His palm was still sweating, and a closed fist made that worse. He gently laid his knuckles against the dusty, dry wood and just set them there, not moving. Eli's basement had been a stolen "home," once. Did you knock to enter your home? Even a stolen one?

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Re: After "Chamber Music" DRAFT

Post by 222333 » Thu Dec 24, 2015 5:55 am

*
“That’s… adagio, Rolley. Remember what you said? Adagio won’t work for this. Bang on it!”

-

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Re: After "Chamber Music" DRAFT

Post by cindyrae77 » Thu Dec 24, 2015 9:26 am

How to make his friend understand? Did you knock, to enter your home? And besides that, Vincent was wrong, even as he was right. Rolley's hand on the door wasn't just "adagio," it was something else, as well. There were other words. Other words he needed. "Adagio. Fortissimo. Piano, pianissimo. Grande. Allargando. Poco allargando." Rolley mumbled the words and searched his memory for the language Miss Kendrick had taught him. Rolley parrot had needed to learn Italian, at least musician's Italian, to keep up with his studies. They were directions. They told you what to do. He kept his raised fist against the wood, and drew back, preparing to knock again; searching for the words he needed, in a language he barely spoke.

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Re: After "Chamber Music" DRAFT

Post by 222333 » Wed Nov 30, 2016 7:10 am

*
“It’s one of the most rapid tempos, Rolley. In Italian it means Soon, in music it means Fast.” It was... it was... “Presto”! Yes, Presto. Fast. Fast! That’s it. Fast, please, Presto. He tentatively banged on the door with his fist... Fast, soon... He banged again... Presto... and again... fast, fast!...bang... Fast!... bang... Before this unnamed horrible ache devours me... bang... this horrible ache that’s now my horrible home... bang, bang... let me in... or out, somewhere else, please... bang! bang!... Presto, fast, soon, whatever, please, please... bang! bang! bang!...


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Re: After "Chamber Music" DRAFT

Post by cindyrae77 » Fri Dec 02, 2016 6:53 am

Presto! Presto! The banging sound became loud, in his sensitive ears, and because he was Rolley parrot, had always been Rolley parrot, it began to take on the rhythm of music, and after a moment more, it was a rhythm he recognized. Rapping in thirds, to a 'one,two,three, one,two, three' beat, the banging sound became a terrible, presto version of Beethoven's sonata for "Moonlight." Rolley heard it, as he played it on the dry wood of the door. Tears ran down his dark face as triplet notes climbed the entrance to the first home he'd ever stolen.

I think that this is God’s favorite piano piece.

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Re: After "Chamber Music" DRAFT

Post by 222333 » Sat Dec 03, 2016 6:16 am

*

Because it’s so like Him, Rolley... While banging that obsessive, ominous rhythm on the most absurd of the keyboards, the youth’s peculiar memory could now remember Miss Kendrik’s words almost literally, and see her nimble fingers flying on the keys to let him hear what she was saying. The triplet notes are the clouds, hear?... low, dumb and dark, heavy, menacing… G- C- E, G- C- E… and suddenly… tan… ta-tan… that high G… the moonlight ray shines through them… G… G-G… and the clouds are not menacing any more… they are the background to make the moonlight shine even brighter, and they make quite another sense…

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Re: After "Chamber Music" DRAFT

Post by cindyrae77 » Sat Dec 03, 2016 11:42 am

As moonlight broke through the clouds in Rolley's mind's eye, it broke through his memory, as well. No, you didn't knock to get into your own home. You used your key. Rolley stopped, and much to Vincent's amazement, unbuckled his belt and slid it effortlessly through the loops of his shabby pants. He didn't want to admit that the belt was a must, for an addict, since he used it to tie off his arm. Now he used it for what he'd used it for when he was a boy. Kneeling, he used the hasp of the belt as a lockpick. It was how he'd gotten into Eli's basement, to begin with.

G - C- E, Tan-ta-tan...

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Re: After "Chamber Music" DRAFT

Post by 222333 » Mon Dec 05, 2016 3:52 pm

*
Vincent silently stood a few steps below, watching his moves, feeling his turmoil, praying that something would give away in his tortured soul, and more than one rusty, dusty door would open. “Can’t leave her there”, Rolley had said, barely stopping his frantic practicing, the new obsessive, senseless, agonizing hell where he had locked himself. And Miss Kendrick’s words suddenly got a new meaning. One that had little to do with music. “He’s got to go back to the beginning, to forget what he knows and learn it all over again.” Looking at the boy now frantically struggling with that rusty lock which marked a threshold between worlds, and lives, and destinies, he wondered about the whim which led him to bring Rolley here… he felt “her” presence, somehow, and allowed himself a little smile.

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Re: After "Chamber Music" DRAFT

Post by cindyrae77 » Mon Dec 05, 2016 6:01 pm

An "English" note. It's "give way" not 'give away.' (Give way means to yield to pressure, or even break or fall.) Give away is to gift something to someone.

Also:

“Can’t leave her there”, Rolley had said, barely stopping his frantic practicing, the new obsessive, senseless, agonizing hell where he had locked himself. And Miss Kendrick’s words suddenly got a new meaning.

I don't understand. Is there a word missing? Sorry!

Meanwhile...

Rolley jiggered the belt hasp inside the lock, and either because of rust or age, Vincent worried that the tumblers inside wouldn't move. But Rolley picked locks with the same vigor with which he used to practice. He did it until he got it right. Got to get good. So they'll let me stay. Rolley's nimble fingers gave a mighty twist, and the lock sprang open.

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Re: After "Chamber Music" DRAFT

Post by 222333 » Tue Dec 06, 2016 11:33 am

*
Um...

“Can’t leave her there”, Rolley had said, barely stopping his frantic practicing, which was the new obsessive, senseless, agonizing hell where he had locked himself into.

Does it make sense in this way?

---

Meanwhile...



He stood up, and looked back at Vincent.

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Re: After "Chamber Music" DRAFT

Post by cindyrae77 » Wed Dec 07, 2016 9:05 pm

Yes, I think it does.

If you're looking for other alternatives, and worrying about the tense, here are some other possibilities:

“Can’t leave her there”, Rolley had said, barely stopping his frantic practicing, which had become or 'had now become' the new obsessive, senseless, agonizing hell where (might also be 'which') he had locked himself into.

I don't feel the original is wrong. It's that you're in a sentence that plays with more than one tense. (Rolley is currently doing something which makes Vincent recall something he said, prior.) Those are tricky sentences to write. I probably got confused about that, somehow.

Meanwhile

"What's back at the beginnin', Vincent?" Rolley asked.
"What is at the beginning of every song, Rolley, but the opening notes?" Vincent replied.
Rolley shoved at the door, kicking up dust as it swung inward.

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Re: After "Chamber Music" DRAFT

Post by 222333 » Thu Dec 08, 2016 3:37 am

*
And with a little, strange grimace that Vincent recognized as an out of practice smile, he rejoined, pointing to his belt before putting it again into the loops of his pants: “No, Vincent. There’s the key”.

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Re: After "Chamber Music" DRAFT

Post by cindyrae77 » Thu Dec 08, 2016 7:07 am

(LOL! Okay, THAT was a marvelous reply. I never even realized it! Serendipity.)

The door of the old room was on hinges as old as the lock, and it squeaked inward, as Rolley stepped into the cluttered space. The door caught on an old trunk that had been placed just a little too close to the door to swing open completely, but Rolley's slender frame slipped through, much as it had when he was a boy. For Vincent, however, entering Eli's basement was always a bit of a struggle. Turning his big body sideways, he pressed through.
"A key is a wonderful thing to have," Vincent replied.

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Re: After "Chamber Music" DRAFT

Post by 222333 » Thu Dec 08, 2016 11:35 am

*
“Never had one. Sneaked into things. Into homes. Into music.” Rolley said, looking around the unkempt place. “Eli not using this door now?”

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