NWDLucy Comments

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Zara
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NWDLucy Comments

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Z 18Jan2013:
Poetic notation within a prose paragraph notates line breaks in the poem with forward slashes: / ...So the italicized quotation would look like this: "When I was dead, my spirit turned / To seek the much-frequented house: / I passed the door, and saw my friends." Lovely lines. I think we've established who wrote the book of poems Vincent is carrying in his pocket tonight. ~Z

Z 22Jan2013:
I like your style of red and green notations in the other room, so here I combine it with my light-purple stylistic suggestions. It looks nicer than the old highlighting way, at least. :) ~Z

Z 25Jan2013:
I'm sure there's an obscure rule of grammar that explains this one, but I don't know what it is. Peek becomes peeked...reek becomes reeked...and seek becomes...sought. *shrugs* "Tone of voice" is simply a phrase people are used to using as a set of words. "Tone" is correct grammatically, but draws attention to itself because readers will be expecting the rest of the phrase to follow it. ~Z

Z 25Jan2013:
Oh...beautiful. Truly. ~Z (He looked into her tired, honest face...)

Z 2Feb2013:
"of" or "in"... It's a subtle nuance. Because Vincent is thinking of "entering" the room in this sentence, "in the world Above" flows better. Both are correct grammatically. ~Z (He nodded, ignoring...)

Z 2Feb2013:
Ah, you gave me smells to work with. I could not resist creating an olfactory setting. ~Z

S 13Feb2013:
Perfect! I think V relies a lot on his smell, and we see and read too little about ti.

Z 24Feb2013:
My instinct tells me "and stuff" is a little vague, not really adding information to the dialogue. If you substitute something like "that night," you would still keep the nice syllable rhythm of the sentence but add a detail of history...an image of their important night. Also, phrasing Lucy's question without the "that's" contraction makes it clear from the beginning of the sentence that she is asking something. "Is that" sounds less awkward when spoken aloud. ~Z

S 25Feb2013:
- it was just my pathetic attempt at inventing a way of speaking for Lucy.

Z 25Feb2013:
Oh, not pathetic, methinks. Credible street cadences are *hard*. ~Z

S 02Mar2013:
* Do you think that "or something" instead of "and stuff" might to?

Z 02Mar2013:
Oh, yes! That would work very well! Nice revision. ~Z

S 25Feb2013:
Oh, I like this paragraph! (Vincent considered her questions...)

Z 03Mar2013:
"Streaked" and "a lot": Streaked presents an unusual image. I'm not sure what you have intended there. And "a lot" is correct English, but I think Vincent is more likely to say, "much." As in "The Watcher" when he tells Catherine, "We have endured much." Saying "much" is a little archaic, but it is more poetic, and Vincently.

S 04Mar2013:
* Thank you on "much". About "streaked", I mean a solid darkness, with "stripes" of light. S

Z 05Mar2013:
I am trying to think of a comparative word or phrase, but nothing is coming to mind. It is grammatically correct, but there's something that bothers me about the image. It might be a connotation of "streaked" that associates a streak with a flaw or error in a larger surface. I'll give it some more thought...see if I can get a better understanding of my impressions. ~Z

Z 06Mar2013:
This is a subjective suggestion. Your wording and grammar are flawless. As a matter of nuance, the past tense verbs combined with "any more" give the impression of a historical fact: the Silks stopped being a danger. Present tense verbs indicate that the cessation of danger has continued to the present moment. In this story, where Vincent is privately dealing with lingering fears and his doubts of safety, that might be a good, subtle distinction to make. ~Z

S 16Mar2013:
I understand. But I wanted to say that the Silks were not a danger any more -for Lucy-, so that it reassured Vincent about her. Doesn't the present tense suggest that, since -now- the Silks are not a danger any more, -he- felt sure enough about himself that he decided to come? Also, about my paragraph "When the light... - I mean that the light came in Lucy's heart, not that she accepted him in her heart. I fear it is not clear, is it?

Z 16Mar2013:
Ah. You are correct. Since the focus of Vincent's concern is meant to be Lucy, this is definitely what the past tense conveys. I was (as usual) reading from a Vincent-focused angle, and so my suggestion steered the text in that direction. Maybe adding "no further troubles *would come to you* from them" or some such wording might help make it even more clear? And to add clarity to "When the light..." I think we need only remove the elipses. It will take the pause out of Vincent's speech, but it will also connect "light" immediately with "heart." What do you think? ~Z

Z 20Mar2013:
The underlined words are at odds with each other in common English usage. The two are not used together. In this case, "upon" brings a connotation of the lingering placement of one object on top of another object. But "passed" offers an action too momentary for "upon." She could have "wiped her hands upon her skirt," or "passed her hands across her skirt," or "over her skirt." It depends on what nuance you wish to give to the action. ~Z

S 22Mar2013:
Oh, it's beautiful! (Vincent let her cry alone...)

Z 26May2013:
If "were" is emphasized via italics or some other mechanical device, I think it works in dialogue. Otherwise, it sounds a bit archaic, coming from a modern New Yorker. ~Z (She looked at him, pensive...And dead you were...)

S 29May2013:
What would Lucy say, instead? *S

Z 29May2013:
Something like, "And you were dead, for me"... or, "And I was sure you were dead"... These phrasings come immediately to mind. They simply place "were" immediately after "you" and before "dead." It is the most common sentence structure...but individuals will certainly change word order for emphasis. I just wanted to make sure that whatever Lucy says is deliberately conveying her character in the text. ~Z

Z 26May2013:
I think "perhaps" might be a little too formal for Lucy in this moment. "Maybe" has a more friendly feel, and matches the casual "Want a coffee?" question. (Which is great, by the way. I can *hear* Lucy's voice in these lines.) ~Z (A beer perhaps?)

S 29May2013:
In second version, "maybe" it was. Great, great flash back! Pondering how to make this wonderful suggestion blossom... *S

Z 29May2013:
Thanks! It is challenging to write such things without catering to, oh, call it "fruitless angst." Anyway, Vincent's been uncomfortable all night. Here the fear flared after a direct reminder. Blossom away. *smiles* ~Z

S 30May2013:
It took a moment for me to understand what was happening in this paragraph. I think that it would be helpful if you could put a word or two indicating also for the reader the abrupt thought intruding. Perhaps it's enough to say "Suddenly, a ghostly voice..." -- or such. *S

Z 30May2013:
That I can certainly do. ~Z

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Re: NWDLucy Comments

Post by 222333 »

*
I am grateful to go back to this story right now. In Italy, in these days the newspapers are full of the horrible story of a prostitute killed by a horrible, man doing horrible things to many of them. Who accepted and kept silent, until this last one who died and was found, so that the man, a normal, tranquil monster, was looked for and arrested. I have been grieving and could not stop thinking of the depth of aberration that is out there in the darkness, unbeknown to most of us.

S

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Zara
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Re: NWDLucy Comments

Post by Zara »

This is heartrending.

He is stopped? The women are able to speak their stories?

I am very glad you have brought Isaac into the tale. A wonderful street-hero, and not at all a monster...

Hugs,

Zara

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Re: NWDLucy Comments

Post by 222333 »

*
Yes, stopped. And yes, the women did... but I have no desire to read those articles. I know it's horrible and feel for them, I don't need to know the details.

Yes, Isaac was out there pacing, waiting to enter the story...
:wink:

S

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