NWDLucy Draft 1

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Re: NWDLucy Draft 1

Post by 222333 » Fri May 16, 2014 3:05 pm

*
In the episode, it's mace can. And there's a typo - I meant weary pace, not wary pace. See the clean copy if it's okay, please.

---


“Home, her home, was close at hand,
Utterly out of reach… “

she sighed, almost reflexively. Oops. How did she let the words leave her private sanctuary? She side-glanced her companion, half amused at his surprised look, and half scolding herself for the lapse in her streetwise guard.

.

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Re: NWDLucy Draft 1

Post by Zara » Sat May 17, 2014 1:53 am

~
Mace. Perfect.

And the clean copy looks great.

~*~

"Something on your mind?" Isaac asked gently. He strode beside her at an easy pace, keeping his voice quiet. Lucy knew that even while his attention focused on her, he remained aware of the subtle doings of the neighborhood around them, too. She remembered the way he had walked her home, just like this, after the gang was defeated at the Beaumont.

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Re: NWDLucy Draft 1

Post by 222333 » Sat May 17, 2014 5:38 am

*
"Or rather on yours?" she replied, her tough facade firmly in place again. "Why do I have a hunch that you've been keeping an eye on me of late?"

-

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Re: NWDLucy Draft 1

Post by Zara » Sat May 17, 2014 11:08 am

"Good intuition," Isaac answered. "Guess I am trying to watch out for you. And I'm watching the streets hereabout. The Silks spent six years clawing their way to the top of this particular anthill. Now that they're out of the picture, I'm watching to see who's gonna try to fill that vacancy next." They walked around a cluster of garbage cans and entered a relatively illuminated patch of pavement beneath a streetlight. Isaac said, "You are on my mind a lot because it isn't easy to live with the memory of a gun being aimed at your body. I worry about how you're doing, carrying that kind of memory with you now."

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Re: NWDLucy Draft 1

Post by 222333 » Sun May 18, 2014 3:28 pm

*
Lucy took a few steps in silence, then stopped dead on her tracks, and turned to face Isaac. “And why do I also have the hunch that it’s not this the reason why I’m on your mind a lot? Sorry Isaac, not the right night for small talks, had too much crap to deal with already.” She looked at him square in the face. “We both know which is the real memory it’s not easy to live with. So, out with it: who’s him?”

-

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Re: NWDLucy Draft 1

Post by Zara » Fri May 30, 2014 5:39 pm

222333 wrote:*
Lucy took a few steps in silence, then stopped dead on in her tracks, and turned to face Isaac. “And why do I also have the hunch that it’s not this the reason why I’m on your mind a lot? Sorry Isaac, not the right night for small talks, had too much crap to deal with already.” She looked at him square in the face. “We both know which is the real memory it’s that is/that's not easy to live with. So, out with it: who’s him?”

-


it’s not this the reason...

The phrasing does not work as written. You could say:
- this is not the reason why
- it's not for this reason that
- it's not the reason why
- etc.

who's him?

This could work if Lucy is inventing casual slang in this instance, perhaps to indicate that she sees Isaac as a man she can trust to understand a nonstandard expression of her language. "Who is he?" would be the more typical sentence, even for a working girl in the city.
*
Thank you. No, I'm not attempting to be creative, it was just a plain blunder :oops: .



-----

Isaac's lamplit gaze considered Lucy for a long moment. Lucy was afraid she would see pity in his eyes, maybe even irritation after her outburst, but he only looked at her with measured understanding. Which didn't feel so great, either. Somehow comforting and frightening at the same time. Like he was listening beyond her words and hearing things she hadn't meant for him to hear. "He's a friend of a friend," said Isaac at last. "I've never met him face to face."

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Re: NWDLucy Draft 1

Post by 222333 » Sat May 31, 2014 11:14 am

*
A bit of regret in his tone? Life, and the world, and mine own self, are changed For a dream's sake… Maybe those things were meant to be heard, after all. “I did. Again, I mean. Two weeks ago. He came. To thank me, he said. He brought me… poetry.”

.

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Re: NWDLucy Draft 1

Post by Zara » Mon Jun 02, 2014 12:08 am

The word "poetry" surprised him. Lucy could tell by the way Isaac raised his eyebrows. "The face of a demon and the soul of an angel," he murmured.

--
<smile> You know, this is what I first wrote, and then decided to delete the last sentence:

"I did. Again, I mean. Two weeks ago. He came. To thank me, he said. He brought me… poetry.” The word sounded alien in those surroundings.

.

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Re: NWDLucy Draft 1

Post by 222333 » Mon Jun 02, 2014 3:25 pm

*
Her turn to raise eyebrows. “You too, waxing poetic?” she chortled.

.

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Re: NWDLucy Draft 1

Post by Zara » Mon Jun 02, 2014 7:06 pm

*smiles* The imaginations are in sync...

-----

"Just part of a story that a friend of mine used to tell. A stray piece of a strange jigsaw puzzle, maybe." His jaw tightened. "No one's seen my friend for eight weeks now."

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Re: NWDLucy Draft 1

Post by 222333 » Tue Jun 03, 2014 3:22 am

*
“Got a lot of friends, ain’t you?” she said starting again to walk. Not in the mood to play Mystery Man again. But she was glad to see that Isaac hurried to fall into step again.

-

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Re: NWDLucy Draft 1

Post by Zara » Thu Jun 12, 2014 12:49 pm

222333 wrote:*
“Got a lot of friends, ain’t you?” she said, starting again to walk again. Not in the mood to play Mystery Man again. But she was glad to see that Isaac hurried to fall into step again.


Three "agains" in the same paragraph draws attention to the word. The repetition feels awkward.

-----

"Lucy," he said. "Hey, look at me a minute." Lucy kept walking, but she slowed down. She glanced up at his face, wary. Isaac told her frankly, "Yes. I do have friends. And I'm thankful beyond words for every last one of them. I care about them. Worry about them, sometimes. Tonight, I'm worried about you." He paused, then asked, "Lucy, do you need a friend?"

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Re: NWDLucy Draft 1

Post by 222333 » Thu Jul 24, 2014 3:46 am

*
Yikes!! I confess I did not notice it :oops:
And I confess that I don't know how to fix it.
Help?

And help also with my next paragraph, please. Evidently I have a thing with "again". How can I say what I want to say without repeating that word over and over... again? :P

---

“Yes, and friends trust each other. And listen to each other. Did you hear me? Isaac, he came. And changed my life. And then disappeared again. I’ll ask you again… my friend: who is he?”

S

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Re: NWDLucy Draft 1

Post by Zara » Fri Aug 01, 2014 2:54 am

Sometimes deletion is best, sometimes substituion.

What about something like:

"Got a lot of friends, ain’t you?” she said, starting to walk again. Not in the mood to play Mystery Man tonight. But she was glad to see that Isaac hurried to fall into step with her.

I am learning I must keep watch for "too," "again," and other little pet favorites. Thought patterns that have become habitual, but they make my writing clumsy.

----------

"As far as I know? A guardian of the lost. He looks out for people on the streets...and under the streets, or so the stories go. But you've actually met the man. I haven't. You've got more than stories and a half-glimpsed shadow to go on." Isaac sounded a little wistful as he murmured, "Someday..." He shook his head. They neared Lucy's building.

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