After "Chamber Music" DRAFT

cindyrae77
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Re: After "Chamber Music" DRAFT

Postby cindyrae77 » Thu Dec 08, 2016 4:09 pm

Vincent shrugged. "Considering how loudly you were knocking, I assume he isn't home, at the moment. Would you like to go up and see the fix-it shop? Wait for him?" he asked, as the furnace kicked on. Opening the door to the tunnels had caused a blast of cold air to waltz into the room with them. It was a patched-up relic, and it was loud. The same as it had been when Rolley had "stolen warmth," behind its metal ductwork.

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Re: After "Chamber Music" DRAFT

Postby 222333 » Sat Dec 10, 2016 6:43 am

*
But both the furnace clatter and Vincent’s words were lost to Rolley. He was looking at the piano, in the corner, roughly covered with a dusty cloth. Yes, Eli was not going through that basement that often now, as Rolley had immediately noticed and Vincent had tried to discount. Losing Rolley, all those years ago, had been hard for Eli. He had uncharacteristically let that his hopes got up on the child, and was silently nursing his bitter disappointment ever since. Even now that Rolley was back, Eli kept his sceptic distance. And the old piano - where everything began, Vincent mused - was gathering dust. While the furnace jarring noise filled the silence, the boy made a slow beeline for the instrument.

.

cindyrae77
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Re: After "Chamber Music" DRAFT

Postby cindyrae77 » Sat Dec 10, 2016 7:24 am

English note: 'his hopes got up on the child' doesn't quite make sense in English, though I think I know what you're trying to say. Something like 'he had uncharacteristically let his hopes get tangled up with the child?' Or no, you meant something else?

Also, while some definitions of 'beeline' simply give 'to go straight towards it,' there is also an intimation of 'speed' involved. "He made a beeline over to the buffet table" implies he's not only moving straight there, without stopping, he's doing that somewhat (or even very) quickly. Bee line also appears as two words in some places, in others, one. (It's the line a worker bee flies in when they are bringing nectar back to the hive.)

Onward:

The furnace rattled, and Rolley remembered the sound. The concrete floor was cold, and hard to sleep on, and Rolley remembered that, as well. The walls were cinder block, and the room wasn't insulated, since it was a place meant for the furnace, and life's cast offs, like an old rocking chair in need of sanding, that sat in the corner, or the piano. Or me, Rolley thought. He even remembered that the piano bench wasn't a proper piano bench. It had no lid to lift, and the height was even a bit "off." It was long enough to seat two, but just a little high. Rolley remembered having to reach down for the foot pedals. Pedals he could still see, now. Soft pedal. Sustain pedal, to get the sympathetic vibrations of the strings. He remembered the left one was stiffer than the right one. But as he settled a dark hand on the dusty cloth, he wasn't sure what else he remembered.

G-C-E, G-C-E...

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Re: After "Chamber Music" DRAFT

Postby 222333 » Wed Dec 14, 2016 6:37 am

English note: 'his hopes got up on the child' doesn't quite make sense in English, though I think I know what you're trying to say. Something like 'he had uncharacteristically let his hopes get tangled up with the child?' Or no, you meant something else?


I want to say that Eli allowed himself to hope about Rolley (despite his knowledge of the background etc.) Does the turn of phrase you suggest mean that? Or how can it be said?

the boy made a slow beeline for the instrument.

the boy slowly crossed the room to the instrument.
is this ok?

Onward...

While he pushed the dirty fabric away from the smooth surface of the piano, that out-of-practice smile twisted the corners of his mouth again. Like pushing clouds away and see the moonlight. No, not away. The clouds stay. But they… what did she say?... make a different sense.

.

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Re: After "Chamber Music" DRAFT

Postby cindyrae77 » Fri Dec 16, 2016 7:13 am

Yes, that's fine.

Onward:

The heavy, dusty cloth fell to the side, revealing battered treasure. His first piano. The one old Eli had heard him playing Rachmaninoff on. He wondered if the G key still stuck, a little. He wondered if the old seat would feel the same as it once did, hard, yet comforting, under his backside. He knew he wouldn't need to 'reach' subtly, to hit the pedals. Slender fingers traced the top, in a returned lover's caress.

"Right now, it's an empty gift."

"Can you help him to fulfill it?"

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Re: After "Chamber Music" DRAFT

Postby 222333 » Thu Dec 29, 2016 7:04 am

*
He sat on the bench, heedless of the thick layer of dust on it. The seat fit. The pedals fit. Everything was the same, and everything was different.

.

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Re: After "Chamber Music" DRAFT

Postby cindyrae77 » Wed Jan 25, 2017 7:10 am

"Different-yet-the-same" was an odd feeling. Like "careful dreaming" or a tempo change. Adagio to Allegro, maybe. "Different yet the same" was holding onto something new, while you remembered something old. Rolley looked down at his own fingers, so much longer now, than they'd been the first time he'd touched this piano. They were different, yet the same. He remembered when he could barely stretch to make an octave. Remembered needing to reach, for the foot pedal on the left.

Was I really that small? he wondered. It didn't seem possible.


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