Chapter 6
UNDERSTANDING
He opened his eyes, just to make sure. Yes, she was there. The warm weight that he felt against him, the band of warmth lying across his hips, was her. Somehow with his eyes closed he couldn’t be sure; it seemed so wildly unlikely. But it was true; she was here, lying warm against him. This present hour of contentment was the blissful outcome of the previous hours of agony and tears.
He shifted his position slightly, not because he was uncomfortable, but because he knew it would make her move. He needed to feel her alive and moving against him. And she did move, stretching and then snuggling closer, raising her knee that laid across his groin a little higher. God, that felt good. He shifted once more; maybe she’d move that knee again.
Instead, she raised her head little to look at him. "Do you want me to get off you? Are you uncomfortable?"
"Jesus, no! I don’t want you to move away from me, I want you right where you are. I just thought maybe you’d move your leg again. It feels pretty good when you do."
"You mean---like this?"
"Yes---yes, like that---God---oh yes." He moved with her to make the contact closer, shuddering with pleasure. "Oh, Connor, what you do to me."
"I can feel what I’m doing to you. It’s pretty impressive for an old man."
He laughed, and rolled his body over hers.
********
"You know what surprised me?" He took her hand, carried it to his mouth, and kissed it. "You’re so soft. I know you’re in good shape, I watch you work out; but in spite of it you’re still so soft---your shoulders, your arms, your hips, your breasts---. I love to touch you. Your skin is silky, and you’re---so soft." His hand came up to stroke her breast.
She
turned to kiss the top of his head, where he lay within the curve of her
arm, his head on her shoulder. "I’ll tell you what surprised me;
you’re so gentle. Johner, I’ve never been made love to with such---such
care. You touch me as if I were breakable, and I absolutely love
it."
"You are breakable. I think about that. You’re little and breakable, and I’m big and rough, and I’ve led a rough life; I haven’t always been gentle with women. But I wanted to be gentle with you. I want to show you in every way I know that I love you." He stopped for a minute. "I love you. I never said that in my life, before you. Not to anyone."
"Oh, Johner, that’s sad." Her hand turned his face to hers. "But you’ve said it now, and it’s too late to take it back, you hear?" And she kissed his eyes and his mouth. "Was it hard? To say it to me?"
"God, no! I wanted to say it all the time, from the first day I lived in your house. Remember the day I moved in, when you stubbed your toe and dropped a whole stack of books? You swore a blue streak, and hopped around waving your stubbed toe, and you were so damn cute! I wanted to grab you, and kiss you, and tell you how much I loved you. But I just picked up the books and kept my mouth shut. I wanted to be with you so bad, any way I could, and I knew I didn’t stand a chance with you as a man. So I shut up and swallowed it."
"You stood more than a chance! But you were always so casual; it didn’t seem to make any difference to you whether I was around or not. I used to wonder when you were going to tell me that you were going out with someone, like a guy would tell his buddy. I thought you just wanted me as a friend, so I tried to be one. The one time that I did put my arms around you, you gave me a little hug, and then let go right away."
"I remember that hug. I did let you go right away; I had to, or I would have kissed you. But it nearly killed me. I didn’t sleep at all that night. I didn’t want to; I just wanted to remember how you felt against me. I wanted you so much, Connor. There were a bunch of nights when I didn’t sleep a lot; you were right there, right on the other side of the wall. God, I wanted you in the nights!
"I remember the friend bit, too. You kept saying that you wanted to be my friend. It drove me crazy; friendship was not what I wanted from you."
She smiled. "Now I’ll tell one. That first morning, when you got out of bed, my jaw dropped a mile. Your body was so beautiful I nearly followed you into the bathroom. You sat at the breakfast table with no shirt on, and I wanted to bury my fingers in your chest hair. Your body figured in my sexual fantasies from that day on."
"Oh really? Hm-m, sexual fantasies, huh? Tell me one."
"I will not. Some things are not meant to be shared."
"Well, if I’m in them I got rights! You’re the one who mentioned it anyway."
"And I’m sorry already. I’ll probably never hear the end of it."
"You could be right about that." He chuckled and tightened his arms around her for a moment.
After a few minutes, he said. "Connor?"
"M-hm."
"Could we talk about what happened before? Before this, I mean. About the---fight, or whatever it was."
"Oh, yes, I want to talk about that." She slid out from under his head, and sat up facing him. "I think we need to find out what happened."
He raised himself on his elbow, and looked down at the bedclothes. When he didn’t say anything, she said softly, "What happened, Johner? Why did you get so angry?"
He looked up for a moment, then back down before he spoke. "I loved you so much, I wanted you until I thought I’d die with it, and then all of a sudden you tell me you want me to be your father! God, Connor, it hurt so much I just got mad." He still looked down, away from her.
"I didn’t say that! I said you felt like family!"
"Well, there are only two possibilities, father or brother. Take your choice. Either one killed me."
"There are more than two, Johner. Try husband."
He froze for a long moment, then he sat up and turned to face her. His face was wrenched with emotion, and she thought he was very close to tears. His voice was husky as he said, "Is a husband family? I’ve never been a husband, I’ve never had a family. I didn’t know."
Her arms went around him, her hand drawing his head down on her shoulder. "Oh, my dear one, of course a husband is family. So is a lover.
"Johner, family is who you love."