Chapter 9
BRAINSTORM
"Johner, you’re so thin!" She looked at his body lying beside her. Always sleek, it was now without any padding of fat at all. "You’ve been working out to excess. Not eating enough, either; your body fat is just about non-existent. What have you been doing to yourself?"
"Working on the docks. It took a lot of energy, and it made me so tired at night that I could sleep. At least most of the time. And sometimes I was too tired to fix something to eat. I guess it did get me in shape, at that. I didn’t notice."
"Well, I noticed. You’re too thin. Eat, you hear? And I think we’ll both sleep better now---now that we’re sleeping together again."
"Having you in bed with me; that was what I missed the very most, I think. I don’t mean the sex; I missed that plenty, I ached for you in the nights. But I missed having you in my arms when I went to sleep. I missed you so much, Connor. I wanted you all the time, whatever I did, wherever I went." He pulled her closer to him, so that her body was tight against him; and he began to stroke her back.
"You know, I’ve never lived with a woman before, not like this, not to go to bed with every night, and have breakfast in the morning, and talk with, and just be with." He reached down to kiss her lightly. "I’ve shared quarters with women, but they were just a nuisance when I wasn’t hitting the sack with them. I tried to stay out of their way as much as possible. They were always talking, and they were never happy with what they had."
She groaned. "Jesus, Johner! I bet they weren’t. If a person is ‘just a nuisance’, that person might feel just a mite unwanted; that might make the person ‘never happy’.
He lifted his head to look at her "Are you telling me it was my fault?"
"Yes."
"Oh. Oh. I never thought about it before. I haven’t shared quarters with a woman for years; it got so it wasn’t worth it just to get laid. ---Oh,---you’re saying I just wanted to get laid, so I didn’t treat them like people."
"That’s right."
"That I was selfish and crude and insensitive."
"Couldn’t have put it better myself."
"Oh." He laid still, staring at the ceiling, thinking about what they had said, and reaching into the past for memories. After a minute he said, "I think you’re right."
"You damn betcha I’m right."
"If I’m so awful, how come you love me?"
"I didn’t know about this." She grinned. "I may have to reassess the situation."
His body stiffened; there was a pause.
When he spoke again his voice was hard: "Don’t say that. Don’t
threaten me, 
Connor.
Don’t ever fucking threaten me!"
She sat up and turned around to look at him. "What?" Her voice was sharp, as immediate anger rose in her at his tone.
He said nothing for a moment. Then he spoke more softly, his face twisted with a difficult effort at control of himself. "Wait---wait, Connor. ---I don’t want to have a fight. I’m trying to cool it. I’m trying hard, Connor---you help too."
She looked at him for a moment, appraising his attitude. Then her face softened, and she said, "OK, Johner. I’ll try too."
His tension relaxed slowly as he saw that she wasn’t angry. He sat up and swung his legs over the edge of the bed. His head went down into his hands. "God, I don’t know what I’m going to do. How am I going to keep you?
"That first morning, when we had breakfast together, I knew that this was something different. To me, women had always been just for screwing. But you were something else; I wanted to talk to you, to know you. Jesus Christ---do you know how that blew me away?" He shook his head slowly, as if the memory still amazed him. "When I kissed you at the door, I wanted to lock it and just keep you there with me. By the time that door shut between us I was in love with you, but It took me a while to figure out what it was. Hell, Connor, nothing like it had ever happened to me before; I’d have laughed my ass off at the idea of being in love.
"Connor, this---what we have---is my whole life; there is nothing else. I want you so much, I need you so much, that I---I just go crazy at the thought that you’ll leave me, that you’ll find someone else. I’m scared to death that what happened that day in the parking lot will happen again; when a man even looks at you, I feel like doing murder. And when you smile back---." He took a hard breath, and looked up at her.
"What am I going to do, Connor? How am I going to keep you? The fact that I’m afraid you’ll leave me will drive you away from me." He shook his head. "It’s Catch 22."
She shook her head also. "It’s my problem too. When you get angry at me, my head screams ‘no one controls me, no one!‘, and I’m angry instantly. So, we both have a problem."
She put her arms around him, and lifted his face to hers "What we have to do is find a way to stop this thing before it gets us both so angry. You made a great beginning a few minutes ago. Johner. I never saw more effort spent than you put into controlling yourself. Thank you for that, babe. If you can do that, and I can come halfway, we can solve this." She kissed him softly.
His face lightened. "Do you think so? Oh, God, Connor, do you think so? He pulled her close to him, his face buried in that familiar place between her chin and her shoulder. His voice was muffled as he said, "I’ve been so scared, ever since I came back."
He began to kiss her. His mouth slid over her, to the hollow at the base of her throat, and down to her breast. "God, I love you so much, I want you all the time---" That velvet voice was further softened by a hint of tears. "Just love me, please, please love me."
********
Without his making any overt gesture that would have embarrassed him, it was clear that George was glad to have Johner back. He gave them their assignment and said gruffly, suppressing a smile, "Now get to work. You two have wasted enough of this company’s time. Go!"
Lou Peabody hooked Sarah’s arm as they were leaving. "Glad to see you smiling again, Toots. I thought I was going to have to step in to put that smile back on your face!"
"For God’s sake, Lou, when are you going to quit calling me Toots! And what makes you think you could put a smile on my face?" Sarah laughed up at him.
Johner looked from one of them to the other. His face showed nothing, but Sarah looked at him quickly, and then reached to squeeze his hand. He looked at her for a moment, still expressionless, then smiled like a sunrise, all over his face. Sarah smiled back delightedly, then reached to hug him quickly, in spite of Lou’s interested gaze. "It works. Oh, babe, it works!" she whispered into his ear.
When they were in the car at last, and had privacy, she said exultantly. "Well, how about that! It works!"
"It sure did that time. When you grabbed my hand, my brain said, just like it was supposed to, ‘She wants me. She loves me. She’s going home with me tonight.’, and it was all right. Just like that, it was OK. I never thought that this brainstorm of yours would work, but when you touched me, when you give me that signal, I knew you were thinking about me, not him, and I knew what you were thinking, and it was OK.
"Hey Connor, there’s a motel." And he turned the car into the parking lot.
"Johner, we’re working. Johner, don’t you turn off that ignition. Don’t you dare!"
But he did.