Chapter 15
RESOLUTION
The time Johner needed turnedinto days, and then into two weeks.
Sarah remained adamant about John’splans, refusing to talk to him about them at all. Johner drewJohn aside and assured him that money for school would be forthcoming. "I will see to it that you go to school. Don’t worry. Maybeshe’ll come around, but anyway, the money is there."
John drew Johner into a hug. "Thanks, big guy, thanks." Johner stood passive in John’s embrace. John pulled back and looked at him with concern. "Johner, what’sthe matter with you? Is there anything anyone can do to help?"
"I’m OK. I’m fine."
"No, you’re not fine. And yoursituation with Mom is not fine. Johner, can’t you just forget it?You must know that she didn’t mean what she said."
"I know. She didn’t mean tosay it."
John looked at him suspiciously. "That’s not the same thing that I said. Do you think she did meanit?"
"I think that a family is not somethingthat happens because people want it to. It’s a matter of biology." Johner’s face was still passive.
"You are so wrong! What aboutadopted children? Well, there can be adopted parents too, and you’reone!"
"Thank you, John. I know youmean what you say."
"But you don’t believe it. God, how could she be so cruel?"
"Don’t blame your mother, John. The world is the way the world is."
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Sarah was beside herself; therewas no getting any response at all from Johner. He was perfectlycalm, and seemed not unhappy, but there was nothing, no emotional outputfrom him at all. She lost her temper several times, yelled at him,stormed, but there was no response but a quiet apology for his inabilityto give her what she wanted.
What Sarah didn’t understand wasthat inside Johner there was a little frozen ball. He thought itwas somewhere in the middle of his chest, under his heart, but above hisstomach. It wasn’t a big ball, but inside were the words ‘This isa family matter!’.
He should have known; nothing lasts. The warmth and love that he had grown accustomed to were only a curtaindrawn temporarily across the reality of his life. He had never really leftthat lonely place at all, that place where he had been alone since thevery beginning. It was good that the little ball was frozen;if it thawed the pain might kill him.
But shut inside the ball with hispain were all of his other feelings; all of the love and sympathy and humorand fellowship that had made his life so happy for the past two years;and the anger was there too, the anger that had protected him from painso many times.
He understood why Sarah wasso frustrated; and as the days passed, he became more certain that thebest thing for him to do was to leave her in peace. At thebreakfast table, where big things always seemed to come down, he told her. "I’ve found a room, and I think it best if I leave. You’llbe more comfortable if I’m not here, and so will I. I’ll beleaving after lunch."
"OK, go. I can’t live with this any longer. ---God! I can’t believe I’m saying this; butI’m so sick with wanting you back with me, and not knowing what to do! All right, go!"
"We’ll see each other at work. Itwon’t be as though I’m going away."
"Yeah, it’s as though you’re goingaway. You are going away." She put her head down on the table,cradled in her arms. In a minute, she looked up. "Johner, don’tyou want me at all any more?" Her eyes were full of tears.
"No. I don’t want anything any more. I don’t feel anything. I don’t wantto."
"You don’t want to? You meanthis is voluntary? What in the hell is going on in that head of yours? You’re doing this awful thing to us because I made some stupid statementwhen I was mad, just to try to shut you up before you took John’s partagainst me? Johner, If you’re brooding about what I said about younot being family, you’re just a fool! Do you think that one statementmade in the heat of anger can just—just rub out two years of being a family? You dolt! You absolute fool! Fool!"
Johner stood up. "Fool?" A lightning bolt of towering rage exploded out of the little frozen ballin an instant, and all the emotion held back went flying like shrapnel. "Fool? I’m not the fool! The fool is someone who can’t control hertemper, who says things that destroy two years of loving and being together!" By the time he got to the end of the sentence, he was bellowing at her. He came around the table like a whirlwind, grabbed her by the arms, andholding her off the floor, began to shake her. Her head snapped backand forth, she flopped in his hold like a rag doll.
He yelled, "Fool! Fool!" Then he stopped shaking her as suddenly as he had begun---"Oh God, oh,my beloved fool!" His arms went around her, and he held herto him with shaken strength, while their tears flowed, and he kissed hereverywhere he could reach.
John skidded around the corner, comingto his mother’s rescue; Johner’s voice could have been heard down the block. But as he took in the scene before him, he backed quietly around the corneragain. Let them make their peace; it was about time.
In a few minutes, he saw them again. Johner came through the living room carrying Sarah in his arms, obliviousof John’s presence, kissing her eyes and her hair, her arms tight aroundhis neck; and they disappeared behind Sarah’s bedroom door.