Chapter 16
FROM THE PAST
"---The spray that falls like a gentle rain, wetting one to the skin, falls still upon any traveler who chances to be at that beautiful place at this present moment. Sometimes a log, borne along by the current, teeters for a moment at the lip of the vast abyss, and then plunges downward on its long journey to Egypt and the sea."
Johner closed the book. "There. It was a good book. There sure are a lot of good books in the world. I won’t get to all of them; seems a shame."
"There are. We’ll get to some of them, though. As many as we can. Ready to go to sleep? Shall I turn out the light?"
"No. Not quite. I want to talk a little first." Johner put the book on the bedside table and turned to face her. "We need to talk about John. I know this is very hard for you; I don’t understand why, that’s part of what we have to talk about. Connor, this break between you and John can’t go on; you’re damaging your relationship with him."
Sarah’s face hardened. "Johner, get off my back. This is not something you can do anything about."
"I know it’s hard for you; but I will not get off your back. Connor, you’re wrong, and you’re going to have to back down on this one."
"Good luck making me."
He smiled a little. "I’ll need it. But we’ve got to have this settled." He stopped for a minute and thought. "OK, let’s go at it from another angle. What’s your reasoning? Why are you so set against this?"
"That’s none of---for Christ’s sake, will you let up on this?"
"Ha! Nice save." He smiled again, then his face sobered. "What is it, Connor? Why can’t you talk about this reasonably? I’ve known you pretty well for a pretty long time now, and I’ve never seen you act like this about anything. Tell me what it is. What are you afraid of?"
I’m afraid you’re never going to leave me alone!"
"Stop it! Just stop it! I’ve had it!" Suddenly his voice was harsh. "You will talk to me about this, by God, and you will do it NOW!"
"Jesus, Johner, don’t lose your temper! I don’t want to spend another three weeks in the doghouse!"
"Then you will talk to me!"
"You can yell at me until you bust a blood vessel, but you should know me well enough to know that it’s not going to scare me! Now how the hell do you think you’re going to get me to do what I will not do?"
"You’re right about the yelling. Sorry. I’m going to get you to do it by wearing you down. I’m not ever going to quit, Connor. You have got to talk about this, and I’m going to keep after it until you do."
Sarah’s shoulders slumped. "You will, too. ---OK, OK! I’m sick to death of listening to both of you bitch about it. What was it you wanted to know? What I’m afraid of. I’m not afraid of anything, I just can’t stomach John changing his mind after two years of effort, just changing his mind, just like that. What kind of idiotic behavior is that?"
"Well, it’s not "singleness of purpose". John says you have a problem with singleness of purpose. Says that’s the problem here. Says you’ve always been hard on him about this, never allowed him to change his mind. Connor, he says it’s a hangover from some very bad stuff in the past.
"I know a little about that, from what you’ve told me, and things that John has let drop. It was very bad stuff, very bad; but it’s over. This is something different. This is not about saving the world, Connor. It’s about a kid who wants to go into law, not medicine; a real small, personal problem.
"Do you want him to be a doctor, even if he’s changed his mind? Do you want him to grit his teeth and finish medical school, and internship, and residency, and spend his life doing what he didn’t want to do? Do you, Connor?"
"No! No, I don’t. I just want him not to change his mind!"
"Too late. It’s happened. He can’t unhappen it. So what do you want him to do now? What solution to this problem would satisfy you?"
"I don’t know, Johner! I don’t know what I want him to do now. I want it to be different!’ Sudden tears spilled over and began to run down her cheeks. "I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’ve been so bad about this. I don’t know why---I don’t know what to do! I’m scared, Johner."
"Now we’re getting to it." The velvet was back in his voice. He held out his arms, and she slid over until she was within them. "Tell me about it, babe. I’m here, I’m right here. Tell me what you’re scared of." His arms were around her, cradling her against him.
She spoke brokenly, through growing agitation. "I’m scared that he won’t do it right, and I’ll be responsible! I can’t let it happen, everything will go bad, and it will all be my fault---my fault!" She began to sob.
"There, there, babe, ---I’m here,
I’ll take the load now, you’ve carried it long enough---" He stroked
her back and murmured to her. "Let go of it, babe, let go.
I’ll take it, I’m here now to take it, you’re not alone any more---I’m
here, give it to me, I love you, I’m here---" He kissed her face
and her hair and let her cry. 
She cried for a long time. He reached over her to the bedside table and brought the tissue box to her, and she clutched it to her and cried; and as long as she did he held her and kept up his soft murmur of comfort.
Slowly she quieted, her sobs intermingled with long shaky breaths, her body relaxing, leaning softly against him.
"Go to sleep, babe. I’m here, I won’t let go of you, I’m taking care of things now." She sighed, and snuggled closer, and was asleep in a moment.
********
"OK, John, I’m ready to talk about it." She grinned at the look on John’s face. "You can thank the man, here. He’s pulled another one out of the hat."
Johner stood beside her, grinning also. "Shut your mouth, John, you look like an idiot with it hanging open. They’ll never let you into law school."
John shook his head. "Johner,
have you considered running for president? I think the country needs
you!"