Chapter 18
REASSURANCE
"Connor?"
"Mm-hm?"
"Tell me you love me." He raised his head and looked down at her where she lay tucked between his arm and his body, with her head on his shoulder.
She turned her face up to his. "I love you, Johner, I always will." She brought her hand up to caress his cheek. "Why do you ask? I just told you and showed you too, half an hour ago, in every way I could think of, how much I love you. What’s the deal, babe?"
He sat up and turned to face her,
sitting cross-legged. "I’m never sure. I wonder if you’ll keep
on loving me. I wonder if 
you’ll
leave me. I wonder if most of what you feel for me is pity, or kindness,
or---or I don’t know what."
"Johner!" She sat up also. "What brought this on, babe? What makes you so unsure of me? Have I done something to make you wonder?"
"No! No, you haven’t. It’s just that it’s so unlikely you would ever love me. Connor---I’m the dregs. I’m the bottom of the barrel. I can’t even say I was brought up in the slums; I wasn’t brought up at all. I just got bigger. I can see why you might feel sorry for me, but I’ll be damned if I can see why you’d love me."
"You don’t see yourself for what you are at all, do you? You see a picture of what you were once. No, not even that. You see what you think you were once." She reached over to kiss him lightly. "I do love you, and I can give you reasons, but the final answer is just that I do. It’s not a matter of logic or good reasons, Johner. It just is; it’s there, and it’s real.
"I told you not very long ago what I see when I look at you. I see your courage and your strength and the lovely soft tenderness that you show me when we’re alone; and there are other things that make me love you, Johner. One big one is the love that you have, and that you show, for my son. I’ll be grateful to you all my life that you have given John a father at last."
She went on, "George asked you to represent the firm at the convention, didn’t he? He told me he was going to, and asked if I thought you’d do it. I told him he’d have to ask you. Did you say yes?" Johner nodded. "Uh-huh, I thought you would. Why do you think he did that, Johner? Because he has respect for your intelligence and your judgment and your good sense, and knows that you will be an asset to the company when you represent us; and so do I know it. He made a good choice. Everyone who knows you likes you and has respect for you, sweetheart." She grinned. "And the women covet your body."
He smiled and shook his head. "Connor, that’s nice to hear, but I’ve been living in this body for many years, and women don’t line up for it."
"Oh yeah? I know for a fact that there are at least four women at work who would line up just to be fucked by you up against the wall in the broom closet."
He choked with laughter. "Jesus, Connor, I don’t do that kind of thing any more! I know better now! I don’t fuck, I make love; in bed, where there’s comfort, and I can pay attention to detail."
"Yeah, I know. Your attention to detail is one of the major reasons why I love you. if those women knew how great you are in bed, you wouldn’t be safe out alone."
"Connor, I don’t even look at other women. God, I think I’m supposed to at least look; but I can only see you. Loving you is the breath in my body; when that last breath’s gone maybe I’ll stop, but not before then.
"I still get shaky when you take your clothes off. I don’t think I’ll ever get used to touching your body; it makes my heart race yet. How long has it been? Two years? And we still feel like this—" he reached over to touch her breast, and she closed her eyes and put her hand over his, holding him to her.
"I know what you mean." Her voice was husky. "I want you whenever I look at you. I’m looking at you now, Johner."
********
"Connor?"
"Mm-hm?"
"Connor---will you marry me?"
There was a moment of silence. Then—"Yes, of course I will if you want me to---but what made you think of it? I never have once in these two years. It’s just not something I would ever think of doing."
"I know." He turned to face her, lying on his side, propped up on his elbow. "I know you’ve never thought of it. But I’ve been thinking of it since that first time I held you naked in my arms; that first night. God, I’ll never forget that night. It was like Heaven, like going to Heaven. I wanted you so much for so long, and then all of a sudden you were there, in my arms, and you were kissing me, and wanting me! I remember all of it; how you looked lying there naked, the first time I kissed your breast, when you put your hand on my dick---and the moment when I first went inside of you; God, I remember that." His eyes closed for a moment, his pleasure in the memory written vividly on his face.
"But I know that you’ve never thought about marriage. In all the talk there’s been between us there's never been a mention of marriage. It’s not part of your idea of life, is it?"
"No, Johner, it’s not. I don’t have anything against it, it’s just not what I thought I would ever do. There have been a lot of men over the years; I needed their strength, or what they could teach me, whether I cared about them or not. And mostly I didn’t. Marriage was the farthest thing from my mind." She moved restlessly under the sheet. "But I’ll marry you, Johner, if that’s what you want."
"Is it what you want?"
She looked down for a minute, then back up to meet his eyes. "I hope I can be honest about this without hurting you, babe. I love you more than I can tell you, but I’m reluctant to do this, for some reason that I really can’t explain, because I don’t know what it is."
He smiled a little. "I’m not hurt, Connor. I could see that your heart wasn’t in it. Let’s forget the whole thing; it’s not really important, is it? We’ll go on the same way whether we’re married or not.
"I think I can tell you why you’re
reluctant to do it, though; it’s for the same reason that I want to do
it. I want reassurance that you’re mine, that you belong to me.
And you can’t stand the thought of belonging to anyone, of being owned.
Right? It makes you crazy, doesn’t it?" His little smile turned into
a grin, as she looked sheepishly up at him.
"Yes, that’s what it is. And yes, it makes me crazy."
"Well, we can’t have that. God knows you’re tough enough to live with now." He laughed and reached for her, pulling her into his arms. Sarah snuggled up to him, her head tucked under his chin, his arms close around her, holding her against him.
In a minute she spoke again. "You know, the reason most people get married any more is because of children. Inheritance, custody, those legal things.
"I wish I could have given you a child, Johner. I would have been happy and proud to do that. You deserve to have children; you’re a great father. I’ve seen such an improvement in John since he’s come under your influence. I wish---well, it can’t happen, but I wish it could."
"You’d---have had my child? Oh Connor! That’s---." He stopped, his voice choked. "That’s the nicest thing---" His arms tightened around her, and he rocked her back and forth.
"Why, sweetheart, don’t take on so! I’m only sorry that I’m not able to do that for you." She pulled back to look at him, grinning. "I guess we’re a little old for that kind of thing anyway." Her grin widened. "At least you are."
"Never miss a chance, do you?" He laughed and kissed her. "But thank you; it really pleases me that you would think to say such a---such a sweet thing to me. I love you, Connor." He thought for a minute. "I’ve never even considered having a child before. It’s never entered my head. But you know, I think I would have liked it. I guess that makes me damn lucky I’ve got John, doesn’t it?"
"And he’s damn lucky he’s got you. And he knows it. He loves you, Johner."
He smiled at the ceiling and said, with evil intent: "You mean I’ve got a family?"
"Jesus Christ, Johner.
Aren’t I ever going to hear the last of it? Yes, you’ve got a goddam
family!" Her face softened. "And they love you. I love
you. Don’t ever doubt it, babe. When you’re eighty three, I’ll
still be here, still loving you, and still wanting your hands on me."