Chapter 25
JOHN
"Johner, have you noticed anything about John the last couple of times he’s been here?"
"You mean how preoccupied he is? Sure I’ve noticed. He’s in love, I’ll bet anything; since a couple of months ago. He’s been staying at school over the weekend quite a bit, and that’s not like him. But you’re right, the last couple of times he’s been home he’s different. I’d guess that the course of true love---."
"That sounds right. But why hasn’t he told us? He’s usually up front with his lovelife."
"Maybe this one is more serious? I dunno, we’ll have to wait and see; it’ll come out eventually."
*******
John was watching Johner peel potatoes.
"Johner---want to go for a drive?"
"What? What’s going on, John? That’s a fairly strange request."
"I think I need to talk to you---in private."
Johner looked at John searchingly. "OK, sure, John. Want to go right now?" He wiped his hands. "Let’s go."
John drove to the local park, and turned into the parking lot. When he had stopped the car and turned off the ignition, he sat looking at his hands on the steering wheel.
"OK John, get it out. In some kind of trouble?"
John looked at him nervously. "No---not the kind of trouble you mean, anyway. I’m not in trouble with the law or anything like that." He hesitated, looking back at his hands. "I met a girl."
"And that’s trouble? Should be just the opposite, I’d think."
John looked up, his eyes lighting. "It’s the greatest thing, Johner! I’m nuts about her, and she---likes me too. But---" It seemed very hard for him to go on.
"Yeah, there must be a ‘but’; otherwise we wouldn’t be having this talk. Tell me about her, John."
"I met her in the law library, about three months ago. She works there; she’s in her last year, in English Lit. She’s just beautiful, Johner, and so bright, and funny, and so---" John’s hand’s tightened on the wheel.
"So desirable?"
"Yeah. But Johner, she had some trouble---." He stopped, unable to continue, his head down.
"What is it, kid? Just say it; this is me, Johner. You can tell me."
John looked up. "Yeah, I can. She was raped, Johner. It was very bad, and she’s afraid now---afraid of men---afraid of me. God, Johner, I love her! How am I going to fix this? I have no idea what to do."
"Christ, the things that people do to each other. It’s understandable that she’s frightened." Johner frowned and shook his head. "Well, John, you’ve got a problem, all right. Is she getting some kind of professional help?"
"Sure, she’s had a lot of therapy, and it’s helped some, but---not enough. I don’t know what to do, Johner. I have a hell of a time staying cool when I’m with her---and the hardest part is that she wants me too! She’s OK until it gets to a certain point, and then---she just freezes."
"I’m sorry, John. I can imagine how it must be; it must be terribly hard on both of you."
John turned toward Johner. "I think you can imagine it. That’s part of the reason I wanted to talk to you about this; I saw you wanting Mom for months and months without ever making any move at all. How did you manage that, Johner?"
Johner looked straight ahead, his attention turned inward. "It was hard. I think I succeeded in keeping my feelings to myself for such a long time because I loved her so much. It was so important to me that she was happy that I was willing to do whatever it took. But I spent a lot of sleepless nights, John. A lot of nights."
"Yeah. I know about that, too."
John’s head went down. "What can I do? I just don’t know where to
go from here." He looked up at Johner. "I thought you might
have some ideas. I don’t know why, exactly, but I thought---"
He stopped, at a loss for words.
"You want me to tell you what I would do in your circumstances. OK,---but John, I haven’t any special knowledge here; as long as you keep that in mind.
"First, have you talked this whole thing over with her?"
"We’ve talked about it some. It’s hard for her, she can’t talk very much at all about what happened to her. And we’ve talked a little about our situation, but after all, what’s to say about it? I want her, and she can’t do it. That’s the whole story." John shrugged.
"No! That’s not the whole story. You want her, and she wants you, and you’ve got to find a way to make this thing happen, so both of you can be happy. That’s the whole story, and you need to talk to her about this until that’s clear to both of you.
"It’s not just about what you want, John. I know you didn’t mean that, but that’s what you just said. ‘I want her, and she can’t do it.’ It’s not just her problem; both of you need to change to solve this.
"I’d make sure first of all that she knows she’s not to blame. She probably feels guilty as hell that she can’t do this for you. Then---talk and talk about it. That’s what I would do. You can’t do anything else, really, if you think about it. Tell her how much you care about her. Tell her how sorry you are about what happened to her. Tell her that you want to make her forget that awful thing, by being so happy with you. Tell her you love her, over and over and over. And tell her that you’ll wait forever for her.
"Now here’s the tough one. Don’t make love to her. No physical stuff. You can’t talk love enough, never stop that; but don’t touch her in a sexual way. Put your arms around her, hold her---that’s comforting, and she needs comforting; but that’s all. Tell her you’re not going to make love to her, and that when she’s ready, she can make the first move. And then don’t! If you weaken and break your word, you’ve broken her trust.
"If you could make her comfortable enough with you that she could talk about the rape, that would be ideal. How? I’m no authority, John, but I seem to come back to the same thing. Talk about it. Keep after her. Tell her how important you think it is for your future together that she get this whole thing out to you. Keep telling her that you won’t push her all the time you’re pushing her, if you see what I mean. Tell her she’s got all the time in the world to get herself to the point of telling you, but she’s got to tell you. And tell her you love her and you’ll wait. Keep telling her that all the time.
"If you keep telling her you love her, while you make no physical move on her, it will promote trust. And that’s what will solve this, John. When she totally trusts you, you’re over the hard part. God, I sure sound like I know what I’m talking about, don’t I? And I don’t, really. I’m just going by my gut."
"Your gut’s good enough for me, Johner. Everything you’ve said makes sense to me. It sounds like it’ll be tough as hell, but it makes perfect sense."
"John, how come you wanted to talk to me in private? Aren’t you going to tell your mother about this?"
John looked embarrassed. "Well, Jeez, Johner, she’s my mom! I dunno, it just seems like sex isn’t the right thing to talk about with your mom!"
"I see. It’s all right to tease her about her sex life, but yours is off limits, huh? You never let her alone for a minute about her and me; come on, John, get over it. Your mother will have more sensible things to say about this than either of us, probably. Talk to her. I’ll be present or not, whatever you want, but talk to her!"
"OK, you’re right, I need to get over it. Let’s go talk to her!"
*******
When Sarah and Johner had retired
after the talk with John, they discussed the situation.
"Johner, after all this time, you still amaze me. So you just came up with a complete treatment plan for this serious problem, off the cuff?"
Johner was alarmed. "Didn’t you mean what you said to John? You don’t think I should have said anything?"
"No, no, babe. You were right on. What I said to John is true, it sounds exactly right. I’m just amazed that you knew precisely what to do. How on earth do you do that?"
"I just went with what I felt. I dunno. I just---I dunno. So you think it was OK?"
"I think it was inspired. I guess it remains to be seen if it works, but I don’t see how it could possibly do any harm. You’ve given John a hard row to hoe, though. It’s going to be tough as hell on him."
"Tell me about it. It was worse for me. I didn’t even get the chance to put my arms around you."
"You can now though." She looked at him innocently, fluttering her eyelashes.
He rolled to lean over her, laughing and looking down at her with love. "I sure can. And I sure do, whenever opportunity knocks. Listen---I think I hear her knocking right now!"
He bent his head to cover her mouth with his.
