Path 1

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Path 1

Post by 222333 »

~*~

Catherine grinned, first inwardly and then openly, listening to Isaac’s cautious pace following her own brisk gait. And finally took pity of him, so fiercely determined to not ask questions, but so obviously devoured by a nagging, mounting curiosity. Let alone by a wary alertness that made him start at every unusual noise. That is, practically each one of the countless sounds that punctuated the quiet of the late hour in the unlit surroundings. When the dark, narrow path widened enough to allow her friend to walk beside her, she smiled up to him and said “Yes, Central Park is also this wild, yes, I’ve been here at night before, and no, I’ve not lost my mind.”


--

or the scene before is too short to change scene already?
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Re: Path 1

Post by Zara »

Two phrasing suggestions:

"And finally took pity on him"

and

"she smiled up at him"

would be the correct English phrasing.


_________________________________________


"Uh-huh," Isaac said, noticing her smile but not returning it. "Cathy, you're a strong fighter, but there's two kinds of people come to places like this at night: predators and prey. And it's...bad...when the two happen to meet in the dark. You can think you're one thing, but you find out at the worst possible moment that you're wrong." He sounded worried. Which was not Isaac's usual confident frame of mind.
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Re: Path 1

Post by 222333 »

*
"No, Isaac," she replied quietly. "There are more than two kinds. You'll see."

.
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Re: Path 1

Post by Zara »

"You've got my benefit of the doubt," Isaac said. "But I'm still keeping charge of my own sense of self-preservation. Lead on."
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Re: Path 1

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*
Sometimes your fear can keep you alive”, she enigmatically quoted. “I think you and Vincent may like each other. Be ready, we are going to meet him anytime now, don’t be scared."

.
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Re: Path 1

Post by Zara »

Isaac's teeth flashed, a quick burst of white in the nighttime air, as he grinned ruefully. "Anyone who survives a local manhunt on the Lower East Side automatically earns my respect. I guess I'll find out sooner rather than later whether or not he's someone I need to be scared of."

--
Isaac's reply works anyway, but I wonder if I managed to convey what I meant, that is, Isaac, don't be scared if a bulky shadow suddenly appears... or if my wording sounds strange.
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Re: Path 1

Post by 222333 »

*
Catherine’s pace slowed down and came to a stop. She looked around, scanning the shadows aside along the pathway. “Vincent?...” she murmured.

.
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Re: Path 1

Post by Zara »

The wording works okay, I think. Maybe "startled" is closer to the thought you wished to convey. But "scared" in this context can infuse a little humor-by-way-of-mild-overstatement into the scene, knowing Isaac and Catherine as we do...

On to the bulky shadow appearing... :D

_____________________________________

In response to her soft query, a tall, bulky shadow emerged from behind the trunk of a tree that grew on the left side of the path. Isaac and Catherine stopped walking as Vincent's low, calm voice replied, "I'm here."

~*~

In response to her soft query, a tall, bulky shadow emerged from behind the trunk of a tree that grew on the left side of the path. Isaac and Catherine turned toward the shadow as Vincent's low, calm voice replied, "I'm here."
Last edited by Zara on Thu Jan 22, 2015 5:55 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Path 1

Post by 222333 »

*
He came close, with slow and fluid steps. His hood covered his hair, not his face, visible as much as the surrounding darkness allowed. Catherine opened her mouth, to say something, to introduce the two men, to make things as easy as possible… but a sudden baffling sensation stopped her. No need. She watched, fascinated, as Isaac and Vincent looked at each other. An immediate, powerful understanding was so evident between them to seem almost palpable.

.

{take a look at the words in red in last paragraphs - shall I delete "and came to a stop"?}
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Re: Path 1

Post by Zara »

Bah. I keep missing those cues of movement. C'mon, Zara-brain: lookit!

No, you're fine. I'll edit mine.

Hmmm. At second glance, maybe "aside" could be replaced by "along" in your paragraph where Catherine murmers Vincent's name. Or, if you like "side" in the wording, try "to each side of the pathway," or "to either side of the pathway." Or even just "beside" or "alongside..."

"Aside" has a connotation of "moving away from" or "being separated from" rather than bordering or being next to something.

Cf: http://www.thefreedictionary.com/aside

The only change I would recommend for the newest paragraph is to add "as" to the last sentence, thus:

An immediate, powerful understanding was so evident between them as to seem almost palpable.

Pesky little conjunctions. But they stitch the language together.

__________________________________________________


After a long moment's consideration, Vincent said to Isaac, "You teach and protect people." Nodding, Isaac answered, "You do the same." In the dim light, he studied what he could see of Vincent's face. Catherine wondered what he saw there.
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Re: Path 1

Post by 222333 »

*
Vincent accepted Isaac’s calm scrutiny, and then, unhurriedly, he let his hands appear from under the cloak folds. No gloves. When they were fully visible, he lifted them and with deliberate movements pushed his hood back. Catherine couldn’t help thinking of an ancient knight lifting the visor of his helmet to salute a noble fellow knight. The beauty of what she had the privilege of watching deeply struck her.

.
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Re: Path 1

Post by Zara »

{My friend: that was simply beautiful.]

_______________________________________________



Isaac took it all in. The warrior strength in those clawed hands. The intrinsic grace of those simple movements. The courage it took to bare that face to a stranger. He looked Vincent dead in the eye and stepped forward, extending his battlescarred hand in respectful friendship, the way he would offer his hand to anyone, the way he had once greeted Catherine Chandler on the day they had met. "I'm Isaac Stubbs," he said.
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Re: Path 1

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{yes, they are beautiful, aren't they?}

*
A simple gesture. But, like lifting the visor in centuries metamorphosed into the military salute, extending a bare hand showing the fellow knight that no harm was meant metamorphosed into the common hands shaking. And tonight, those everyday gestures recovered their ancient, profound truth. Vincent's hand was not bare, it was a weapon itself. Respect, friendship, trust bared it for Isaac. He took and shook Isaac's hand. "Vincent."

--

please feel free to update the clean copy until now, all corrections ok for me. I'm not completely well yet and despite the tunnels are strongly calling, so that I'm here, other real life duties need to catch up...
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Re: Path 1

Post by Zara »

Try:

But, like lifting the visor metamorphosed over the centuries into the military salute...

or

But, like lifting the visor in past centuries metamorphosed into the military salute...

For clarity.

_______________________________________________


They released each other, but the powerful fellowship between them remained. Isaac glanced at Catherine. "So," he said. "Is this a good place to talk, or did you two have some other destination in mind?"
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Re: Path 1

Post by 222333 »

*

Catherine opened her mouth to reply, but Vincent’s soft voice came first, “I’m sorry if you feel uncomfortable here, Isaac, but please rest assured: it’s safe. I can feel any danger coming long before it’s close.” Catherine shut her mouth. Okay, Chandler. Take a back seat and relax. These two don’t need any supervision from you. She filed away for later review the strange mixed feeling of relief and disappointment.


.
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