Chapter 13
LOVING
They were sitting at the kitchen table drinking coffee, late on a Sunday morning.
"How did it feel being back? I didn’t hear anything about being tired, but that doesn’t mean a damn thing; you don’t complain. Have you been OK this week? Tell the truth, now!" she frowned at him.
"I’ve been OK. More tired than I would have been before, but OK." He smiled. "Don’t worry, Connor. I’m all right."
"That’s easy to say, but I can’t help it. I came so close to losing you. You don’t know how awful it was, sitting in that hospital waiting room, wondering if they were going to come out and try to tell me kindly that you were dead. I won’t forget those hours in my life." She shuddered.
"It’s over. I’m all right."
"I know. I know. But I was so scared."
"I’m right here." He touched her hand. "I’m alive. I love you."
She looked up at him. "Yes, you’re alive. ---Johner, you said something a while ago that stuck in my head. You said you wouldn’t keep living if I died. Did you mean that you’d kill yourself?"
"Yes. That’s what I meant."
"It’s not true, though. You wouldn’t really."
Johner looked down at his coffee cup. "Yes. I would."
"No! You mustn’t even think that!" Sarah took his hands in hers over the table. "I can’t believe that you would have such a---a dim-witted intention!"
He freed his hands. "It’s my decision. I guess it’s not anyone else’s business." His face was closed.
"Johner, don’t get mad. When
you get that look on your face, I get mad too."
"Then let’s talk about something else."
"No!"
He stood up. "I’ll see you later."
"Don’t you walk away from me! Johner!" Her face was flushed and angry.
As he turned away, he thought suddenly of another time when anger had nearly destroyed them, and he stopped. Slowly he turned back. "Connor, I’m going to give this one more try. Now, you cool off, and I’ll cool off."
He sat back down at the table, stiffly, without his usual grace.
She looked down at her hands, grasping her coffee cup tightly. After a minute, without raising her head, she said, "Thanks. I’m sorry."
"So am I."
After a couple of minutes, Johner took a deep breath and leaned back in his chair, turning his eyes up to the ceiling, away from her face. "Connor, you’re my life. Since I’ve known you, I’m different from what I was before. I can’t go back now, I can’t live again the way I did before. And if you go away from me, I can’t live the way I do now either."
He shook his head. "It was so bad then. I didn’t know it, but I was missing every good thing there is. I---I guess this sounds stupid, but when you came to me, I found out what love is. ---Yeah, I was right, it does sound stupid, ---but it’s what happened. So now I know what it’s like; I can’t go back."
"You wouldn’t have to go back! Now you know---Johner, that means now you can love other people too." She leaned toward him, her voice intense. "For instance---you love John. I know you do; I’ve seen the love and the pride in your eyes when you look at him. He’s never had a father, Johner; but you’re his father now, and he loves you too. In the time that you’ve been here, I’ve seen him be more relaxed, more contented at home than he’s ever been. That’s because of you, because he knows you’re there, that you will look after me; because we’re a family, because we love him and he loves us."
Johner took a deep breath, his eyes still firmly fastened on the ceiling. "A family. We’re a family."
"Look at me, Johner." His head came down slowly, and he brought his eyes to hers; there were tears in his.
"Jesus Christ, Connor, how could I live without you? How could I give this up and keep living?"
"If I die, Johner, you will still have a family. John will be here, and he will still need you. If I die, he will need you very badly; he can’t lose both of us at once! Could you do that to him?"
Johner looked stricken. He stayed still, frozen for a moment, then his shoulders slumped, and he shook his head. "---No, I couldn’t. I couldn’t. Oh God, Connor, please don’t die!" His head went down on his arms.
Sarah came around the table to him; she knelt at his side, and put her arms around him. "No, of course I won’t die, oh my dear, don’t cry! I love you, I love you, I won’t die, oh Johner, I won’t die!"
His arms went around her and he held her frantically, with all his strength, his face buried in his special place in her neck. "God, I’ve got to have you! You’re all there is for me, Connor. Without you I’m nothing, nothing!"
She lifted his chin to look into his eyes. "Not true! With or without me, you are a man of strength, and courage, and intelligence, and loving tenderness; you have so much to give, Johner. I’m here, and I’ll be here, all of our lives, but I hope you’ll love many more people before you die." She paused, and then grinned. "Well, but don’t be in love any more. That’s only for me. That’s special, just for me." She waited for a smile in return; and he gave it, smiling tenderly at her.
"You know that you’re the only one. I adore you." His hand came up to just touch her cheek.
Then his eyes dropped from hers, and he straightened, reached behind him to the counter and brought the coffeepot to the table. "Warm up? ---Sorry to be such a wimp, Connor. I don’t usually cry all over people. I’m OK now. Thanks."
"Johner, people who never cry don’t love anyone. People who love, cry; sometimes loving hurts, and then we cry."
"You’re right; sometimes it hurts. But God, it’s sure worth it." He took her hand, and brought it to his mouth, turning it to kiss the palm softly.
John walked in just in time to see that gesture. "My God, don’t you two ever quit? You’ll be the only teenagers in the geriatric ward! What’s for breakfast?"
His mother frowned at him. "Breakfast is something that we eat in the morning. If you will consult your watch, you will see that opportunity is now over. ---Johner, what do you think you’re doing? You’ll spoil that child! He’ll grow up to be a criminal!"
"He’s hungry. If we don’t feed
him he won’t grow up at all." Johner began to break eggs into the
frying pan. "How many, John?"