Chapter 14
CONFLICT
"I don’t believe this. I didn’t think you’d like it, but this is way over the top, Mom."
"Well, that’s the way I feel about it. Jesus Christ, two years of very expensive education down the tubes. You can’t do this!"
"Ma , if you don’t want to help any more, I can certainly understand that. But I can do it, and I’m going to."
"Law school? I suppose you’ll decide next you want to be a rocket scientist!"
"Mom, I think we’d better talk about this when you’ve cooled off a little. I don’t think you’re making much sense."
"There’s nothing to talk about. You’ve decided what you’re going to do. Do it."
********
Sarah didn’t cool off. When Johner got home, John waylaid him at the door, and explained what had happened.
"When I told her I want to quit medical school, and transfer into law school, she just went off like a bomb. I should have known she would; she’s got a particular thing about singleness of purpose. Some things in the past have required that of her, in spades. Johner, I don’t know what to say to her. She’s just so mad!"
"I’ll talk to her. I’m not sure I can do anything, but I’ll try. When she’s mad, she’s mad."
"You got that right!"
Sarah came into the kitchen, and surveyed them both. "Well, are you two trying to figure ways around me? Forget it." She crossed to the refrigerator, and took out a beer.
"For Pete’s sake, Ma, cool off! We’re not trying to do anything against you. I just want a chance to talk to you in a sensible way about the plans I’ve got, and the reasons I have for them."
"Your plans don’t have anything to do with me. The plans that I was involved in were made two years ago."
"Connor, give him a chance. He---"
"You stay out of this! This is a family matter!"
Johner’s face went absolutely white. There was a moment’s frozen pause; then his shoulders dropped, and he looked down. "---You’re right---it is. Sorry." And he turned and left the room.
John looked at his mother, expecting her to go after him. She began to rummage in a drawer. "Where the hell is the bottle opener. Nothing stays in the same place for five minutes around here!"
"Mom! You hurt him! You’d better go see if he’s OK."
"He’s grown up. He can take care of himself."
John shook his head. "You’ve got no call to be this mad. And you certainly had no call to turn on Johner like that. Did you see his face, Mom? I think you should go see if you can make it up to him, because he was devastated by what you said."
"I think you should mind your own business."
John threw his hands in the air. "I give up. See you later." And he walked out the back door.
*******
Johner was in his own room with the door closed. Sarah turned on the television, turned it off; picked up a book, threw it down in two minutes. She went into the kitchen and opened another beer; when she returned, she saw the first one almost untouched still sitting by her chair. "Oh, for Chrissakes!" She turned and headed down the hall for Johner’s room, and knocked.
He came to the door immediately, opened it, and stood looking at her. "Well, are you going to invite me in?" He swung the door wide, and gestured her inside.
"You know I didn’t mean what I said, don’t you. I was just so mad."
"It’s OK, Connor. I understand." He just stood there, not smiling.
Sarah moved to him, and put her arms around him. "I’m sorry. I was mad."
"I know." He didn’t return her embrace.
"Johner?"
"I guess I just need a little time."
"Are you mad? You don’t seem like it." She looked up into his face, searching for answers.
"No, no, I’m not mad. I just need a little time---and space, I guess."
She dropped her arms from around him. "What does that mean?"
"I need to be alone for a while. I need to think."
She didn’t like that. "Well OK, just take all the time you need. Let me know if you ever get done thinking." And she turned and left the room.
After two hours, he heard another knock on his door. This time, she smiled. "OK, Johner, I have an idea. Remember that lady psychologist we saw on TV last week? Remember what she said? "If you don’t know what’s bothering you, just say out loud, ‘I feel---‘ and add whatever word comes to your mind. Remember?
"Try that, Johner, Say ‘I feel---‘ and tell me what comes to mind."
He smiled gently. "I feel—calm. I feel---OK."
"All right, Johner. I tried." She stepped out in the hall and pulled the door shut behind her.
When he was alone, he turned away
from the door. His head went back, his eyes shut, and he murmured,
in his velvet voice, 
"Betrayed. I feel---betrayed." A spasm of pain crossed his
face. "Fool, fool to believe!" But in a moment his face smoothed,
and he was calm again. A defense against pain perfected over the
last few hours had taken hold.
*******
He came to the kitchen in the morning, poured some coffee, and sat down opposite her. "Good morning. Shall I make some breakfast?"
"I don’t feel hungry. I missed you last night. Are you punishing me, Johner?"
"No! No, I’m not. I don’t mean to do anything like that! I need some distance here, Connor. This is not meant against you in any way. I just need to get some time away. I don’t know how else to put it."
She got up and came around the table. "Move your chair out, Johner." He did, and she sat down on his lap. "I love you. I want you to come to bed with me at night. I miss your arms around me."
There was no response. He sat quietly, looking down.
"Jesus, Johner, what do I have to do? I’m sorry, I’m sorry! Please, Johner, this is not like you, you’re scaring me!"
"Can you give me some time? I just don’t feel anything right now. It’s not meant to hurt you, I just don’t have it to give."
She got up. "I guess if you
don’t have it, you don’t have it. Sure. I’ll give you whatever
time you need, Johner; but I love you, and I miss you."